different
It’s ridiculously early–or ridiculously late–depending on which end of the whatever you’re on. I have not been to bed yet. I was up late, smiling with my favorite man, and then stayed up later to watch various television shows. Because it’s been a hot minute since I’ve done that, and I was also napping most of Saturday. As one does when they’re utterly exhausted from working too hard and being sick/in pain for the last…oh…year or so.
I think I may have dealt with everything plaguing my body. I’m actually feeling decent lately, though there’s still this mild aching and sensitivity from that problem child tooth I’ve been dealing with for all of 2017. There’s a chance I need more dental work, if the pain doesn’t go away. Here’s hoping my stupid sinuses stop being dicks and it’s just inflammation–not a nerve-related issue requiring endo work. So, yea–been a bit tired and basically passed out yesterday.
The good news is that life is, actually, good right now. Like good in the way it is when you actually start believing it’s all going to be okay. That the BS that’s been so prevalent in your life might actually work out.
Other than the exhausted thing, I’m feeling strong physically and have new resolve to take care of myself in a way I’ve never committed myself before. Work is imperfect, but I’m feeling much more calm and at peace with my day-to-day. I have goals to work toward that excite me.
And lots to say about love. Many big things happening there that I never thought would happen. Things I won’t share here because, well, it’s ours for the moment. I feel really good about all of it and am just really grateful to have found this.
Several years ago, this day was the day that changed my life forever. A friend of mine shot himself in the head in a park I’d later live next to for 10+ years–extinguishing a brilliant talent and a cherished life. I was in a dark place at the time. That man never knew how much he mattered, and his death changed my life forever. It inspired me to live–to really be myself–and to love. Oddly, right after his death, I met and was engaged to a man born on that day–this day. That relationship wasn’t mine. We didn’t work out. But it allowed me to survive many other tough days and opened my heart to this really great thing.
I’ve loved a handful of men in my life. Each one added things to my life that I will always carry in my heart. They changed me in ways that sometimes felt impossible to heal, too. I’ve lived a life where love was abundant, but feeling loved was rare. This relationship feels different and has from the very first hello.
I think, maybe, I’m different.
Leaving Colorado was really tough, but I needed it. I needed time to sort of hibernate and reset. I needed room to be surprised. I feel more like myself. More committed to healing. More capable of dreaming. More dedicated to change. It’s been an uncomfortable blessing, but one I feel is leading me to places and people that support my best self.
I sometimes wonder if I would have ever loved my exes had I met them as the woman I am now. I still love hard and fast, but it’s not in a way that sells me short. I attract different men now–men who are in it for the long haul & accept me as I am. There are boundaries, and it’s all brand new, in a way. To actually feel loved and wanted for exactly who I am. To not be just another endless option or a compromise. It’s good in a way that heals me more each day–even if I’m a little terrified of it. It fills me up and allows me to be the woman I want to be–not just someone chasing some ideal that doesn’t exist.
It gets different. And sometimes, different is exactly what you need.
pause.sigh.go.hi. 