things i’ve been thinking

I often forget what I share here, so bear with me if any of this has been mentioned before–but a whole lot has changed in the last month or so.  And it’s big–epic big.  I’m just gonna bullet point this shit because my mind is kinda full of fog, and the coffee hasn’t kicked in yet.

  • A friend of mine turned me onto this woo-woo concept called Human Design. It’s basically numerology and astrology meets chakras.  I was curious–skeptical, of course–but I’m such a big personality geek that I HAD to see what I was.  (Generator with emotional identity.  9/2 Role Model-Hermit).  Y’all–it’s fascinating. Truly.  And I actually learned a lot from it.  It helped shift some perspectives for me that I really needed to shift.
    • The big perspective was that someone like me will never be 100% sure about ANY decision.  So, usually, being 75% sure is my 100%.  And yes–that is true. I always overanalyze and doubt everything to the point of exhaustion.
    • I also need to wait to make decisions when I’m in my feels–whether that’s doubt or anger or JOY.  I am not in a place to take action when I’m caught up in the idea or the moment.  Yes–this is true, too.
    • My time is better spent responding to what is drawn to me rather than hunting down something and dragging it to my cave.  Read: I don’t have to work so hard to find the right things.  I do have to pay attention and figure out what the right things are. And act appropriately when they show up.  But me trying to make shit happen usually only results in a whole lot of suffering.
    • I’m an old soul, wise beyond my years, who fast tracked it through the Role Model-Hermit life cycle.  I came off the roof a few years ago (google role model-hermit to know what that means).  Right now, I’m definitely in the phase of learning how to exist in the world after years of retreating from it–with a fistful of knowledge and lots of social anxiety.  Ha.
    • One of the things recommended by Human Design for my type was to figure out the things that turned me on and what turned me off.  What sparked joy and what sparked exhaustion and frustration, essentially.  So, all those lists I make–all those questions I’m drawn to?  They’re actually HELPFUL for me and a spiritual practice of self-knowledge.  WHO KNEW?
    • I know it’s all very woo.  But hey–take it as you will.
  • Another friend shared some ideas about how she tackles productivity that really spoke to me–so for the last few days–I’ve been trying to do things a LOT differently.
    • I’ve been pretty miserable this year.  Like full-on depressed, suffering miserable.  I just got to a point of feeling like everyone and their Mama wanted a piece of me.  I was not on the list.  I was barely keeping up with everyone else’s priorities–things I flat out hated. I was spending so much time doing shit that took all my energy and joy out of me.  And I was super resentful.  It made tolerating the truly intolerable things even harder.  And it had to stop.  So, I stopped it.
    • Using my friend’s idea for how she deals with her to-do list and my new knowledge of my Human Design type–I came up with a new system for me.  And it’s made a big difference–though I’ve been sick with the flu and then had a cold and now apparently have a sinus infection and allergies.  (BAH).
    • The idea is to basically make sure that every single day is productive–even the days when I’m sick as a dog–by infusing my life with a) choice, b) grace, and c) forgiveness.
    • A big part of my bullshit is that I have always refused to allow myself to be human.  Even though I have three chronic illnesses that significantly impact my energy levels, I never fully acknowledged their impact on my life.  I just always judged myself based on who I was when I was 15–this insane go-getter person who never slept, worked too much, went to school full-time, and did all the things.  I’m not that girl anymore.  I don’t want to be.  That girl was a fucking machine who had no friends and rarely smiled.  She got things done and did well–but she wasn’t seen or known.  And while she was loved, she certainly didn’t value or love herself.
    • It’s important that–every single day–I feel like I’m making progress on the things I value.  And that’s really what this is about.  So, for the last few days, I’ve made 3 goals: 1 physical (or environmental); 1 spiritual/emotional; and 1 work/purpose-related.  The key is that they have to be small things–easily achieved in 30 minutes or less–not saving the damn world.  I can add goals on to the list, if I have the energy, but as long as I’m doing something in these three areas every day, I’ll consider it a win. It’s really helped me be more aware of what I’m capable of–and when I need to rest.  It’s also helped me recharge.  It’s really changed my stress levels and I’m getting shit done.
  • I’ve been trying to reconnect with good friends more and have continued to try to date–with very limited success–but my mind is more open and less bitter.  This is a win.  I’ve stopped trying to find a soulmate.  I’m just trying to have dinner. Or a fun conversation.  I was putting too much pressure on myself to find love, and it just doesn’t work like that.  So, the dating profile exists.  I don’t check it that often, but I’m open to it.
  • Fogg is doing okay.  I have to take her into the vet for more tests to see how her kidneys are a month after the last incident and her abnormal result.  I’m a bit nervous, but she seems fine.
  • Work is light years better now.  February was an ass kicker.  I thought about quitting almost every day.  I was somehow able to shut out 1/2 my workload, though, and this month is so much more manageable.  Part of it was that I worked way too hard in February trying to meet goals–which I somehow did–HOW THE HELL DID THAT HAPPEN?
    • I’m thinking of doing things differently there, too, based on my human design stuff.  I’ve realized that all the things I loathe about my job are things I actively chose–not things I’m forced to do.  So, yea–that will be changing this week.  I’ve made some observations and have some ideas that I’ll be putting in place to hopefully alleviate some of my work-loathing.
  • I found the Buddhist temple in our neighborhood. I can’t believe I’ve lived 3 blocks from it for 2 years and have yet to go or even drive past.  Welp–I found it.  And I might go soon.
  • I’m not going to be pursuing the diet thing anymore.  Instead, I’m going to try trusting my body and taking care of it from a medical perspective.  I’m also going to cook a lot more and just be a lot more forgiving.  So far, it’s been working pretty well.
  • I decided I’m postponing therapy school.  I truly loved the school I found, but after a lot of self-reflection, I’ve decided that I probably don’t want to stay in California for the long-term and getting my degree here–along with certification–ensures that I would probably stay in CA long-term.  I don’t need excuses or reasons to stay in a place I know doesn’t make me happy.
    • The funny part about it–when I told the school I decided to put my app on hold, they didn’t even acknowledge it.  So, I think, I made the right decision.  Loved the school and the people I met who had gone there–but if that’s how the administration deals with such things–I probably dodged a bullet.
    • That doesn’t mean I’m postponing education, though.  I still intend to go to therapy school–just not in CA.  I want to go to school in a state that I intend to make home–at least for a while.  And I have some definite ideas about that.  The big scary thing about therapy school–for me–always–has been how to live and pay for my life while I’m doing internships since almost all programs require a lot of them and they all seem to be during the day–when I’m working.  My job is flexible.  I can work from anywhere.  My workday is less flexible, given client and candidate needs.  So, for years now, I’ve been trying to figure out plan b full-time jobs or ways to save lots of money.  I’ve thought about doing photography full-time.  I’ve thought about starting an Etsy again.  I’ve thought about freelance writing and social media stuff.  I’ve thought about being a massage therapist.  Teaching myself coding.  All kinds of shit.  And they were all good, albeit time-intensive, options.
    • But it’s really hard to find time to do all of these things when you’re working full-time with three chronic illnesses and managing three cats (2 of whom are sick) and etc. Especially with me accelerating the deadline to this fall.  So, it was good that I changed my mind.  Now, I have more time.
  • I’ve decided: I’m leaving CA in the next 2 years.
    • Right now, there are three main contenders–one you might be like, HUH? about: Colorado, Portland, or Asheville/Boone, NC.
      • Asheville, right now, is my top choice.  Boone is also a possibility.  This part of NC is the most affordable option with lots of schools that would be good options for me.  Asheville is an artsy-hippie mountain town with an entrepreneurial spirit that isn’t too big, but isn’t tiny either.  Boone is quieter, but a college town.  Both of them are close to lots of new-to-me places.  And it would give me a chance to do work I’d want to do.
      • Colorado is home, and I miss it terribly.  If I go back, I don’t think I’d go back to Denver or even Boulder.  Maybe Nederland.  Gentrification is changing my state so much, and that is making me hesitant.  I also just don’t feel like there are many good school options for me there. So, it’s probably last on the list–but has to be there because it’s home.
      • Portland is amazing, but I feel like it could be another bad choice.  Like I love the Bay Area when I visit–and if I was a visitor–it would be so fun.  But living here is so different, and I feel like that might be a Portland thing too.  Plus I’m so over rain, and it’s no where near as bad here in SJ as it is there.
      • I could move to Sacramento as a stop gap, too–but I just don’t see myself happy here in CA and that is where my ex lives.  I do not need to run into him while on a coffee run.
  • No matter where I move to, I’m going to need to save a bunch of money.  A cross-country move is expensive–especially with three cats–and I learned last time that everything can (and will) go wrong.  I learned a whole lot about myself last time and a whole lot about the shit that goes wrong.  This time, I’ll be alone–which is good and bad.  Good in that a lot of the stuff that went wrong last time went wrong because of other people’s actions/choice.  Bad in that–when shit goes wrong–I’ll have to fix it.  No dodgeball here.
  • Anyway, what this means is that I need to give myself space and room to plan and save and yea.  So, that will give me time to work on that plan b while I’m here.  I’ve decided that I’m probably going to work on the coding piece since it’s likely the most lucrative option and it’s something that this place is uniquely supportive of.  It’s the best place in the world to learn tech and to get tech jobs.  So, I should start networking and taking classes and teaching myself stuff while I’m here.  I will also start taking massage therapy classes since they’re easy to take here and not too expensive.  I can always find programs wherever I land to add on skills.
  • I’ve thought a lot about the how part of moving away, and I’ve decided that I want to use it as an opportunity.  Traveling with two sick cats is very challenging, and our SUV situation last time didn’t work well. Rilly has gotten sick since then and does not tolerate cars well.  That move traumatized the cats to car travel forever, I think.  So, how can I make that better?
    • I got some crazy idea in my head that maybe I should rent an RV or a campervan and use that to move wherever I go.  It’s actually not such a crazy idea.  RV rentals are a thing, and they’re actually not that crazy expensive.  No matter what, minimum, I’d have to rent an SUV for the cats anyway, which was so expensive.  I’d also have to find pet-friendly hotels and pay a small fortune for that.  And I’d be on a tighter deadline because of the costs.
    • One of the few wonderful things about my job–and something I’ve never taken advantage of–is that I can work literally anywhere as long as I have an Internet connection.  I’ve done a lot of traveling, and I’m really really hungry for it now.  More than that, I have always wanted to travel the country in an RV.  I’ve always wanted to use it to foster creative projects.
    • I got so excited thinking about it–and then I thought–well–couldn’t I test drive that kind of life during our move?  I could go and visit the places I’m drawn to–maybe live there for a month (or as long as I feel like being there) and then decide if I should stay or go?  Worst case scenario? I have a grand adventure.
    • So, I think that will be what I’ll do.  Though I may just buy an RV/Campervan and have someone tweak it if needed.  That would probably be MUCH more affordable.
    • I am going to use this move to get back to myself and what makes me happy.  I really want to tackle that film/writing project I’ve had in my head.  I’ll still be able to work and will be able to feel more confident in whatever decisions I make about home.
  • Last, and certainly not least, I’ve decided to start writing a book.  I’ve got a title.  I can see the cover.  And I have a writing plan in place.  I may start writing it today.  (Maybe not–still feeling crappy and cats to take care of).  It’s going to be a big deal for me.  A big project.  And I’m not ready to write some of it.  But it’s important to start, and I think now is the right time.

Anyway, hope you are all having a wonderful weekend.

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