today’s grace/challenge, 7/3/17

Hi, friends.  I know it’s been a minute since I posted a gratitude entry.  As you can probably gather from my last couple posts, I was not really in a place to do such things…though I probably needed it.  I wanted to give myself some space to reset and adjust after all the stuff that came up for me.

So, my roommate suggested that–while gratitude lists are fantastic and are great for me because I’m a balance seeker and need the ability to reign myself in–they’re not enough.  Just like my Mighty List.  I don’t do anything like other people, so why would this be different?  And honestly, it’s easy for me to be grateful.  I mean look at the lists–I am chock full.  I don’t really need help noticing those things.  But I do need help honoring my feelings.

He suggested I write a list of frustrations–and give myself permission to write as long a list as I needed to write.  I bitch a lot on Twitter–it’s the only place–but even there–I limit.  But it’s true…I tend to hold it in.  I spin and cheerlead because I hate complaining and not fixing it.  I hate just acknowledging pain and frustration exist.  But maybe this is a way to suffer a little less or at least find some balance to my suffering.

Grace

  • Perfect fries from Foster Freeze.
  • Jasmine tea.
  • My weird, quirky vet and her crazy voicemails.
  • Sleeping kitties.
  • Half days before holidays, just ’cause.
  • Space to breathe.
  • Fun convos with friends.
  • Reconnection.
  • My happy buddha being visible, reminding me to choose joy.
  • Hairball meds.
  • A new bookshelf.
  • My ridiculous hats.
  • Long naps.
  • Dinner already made.
  • Banana bread.
  • The best honey.
  • Hipster mason jars.
  • Drinking more water.
  • The sound of the water fountain.
  • Quiet.
  • Clove & tea tree oil.
  • Chinese medicine.
  • Effective stain removers.
  • Healed toes.
  • Not being too hot or too cold, for once.
  • Blankets.
  • Activated charcoal.
  • Uncertainty.
  • Possibility.
  • Memories.
  • Not giving up.
  • Having time to finish things.
  • Gadgets that actually do make life easier.
  • Beers from home.
  • Netflix.

Challenges

  • Uncertainty is scary and painful.
  • Feeling like a fuck-up because I’m always behind.
  • Being human.
  • Anxiety about if I’m ever doing the right thing.
  • That whole alone thing.
  • Rejection.
  • Feeling guilty for rejecting.
  • Distance in friendship that I injected by honoring myself, but not honoring him.
  • Being pissed that they can never close the doors to things, never take out the trash, and leave the plastic wrap half-off when you offer them things.
  • Feeling entitled to gratitude because you didn’t do it freely or lovingly.
  • Hairballs.  Fucking multiple hairballs.
  • Stains everywhere.
  • The neverending battle of vacuuming up cat litter.
  • The neverending stream of actions I feel I have to do now because I’m anxious and have to fix things.
  • Having to budget closely because my bonus is delayed.  Again.
  • Feeling pissed off about even being pissed off.
  • The fact that the bookshelf isn’t completely stable and worrying Rilly will jump on it.
  • Having to clean the cat fountain again.  I just cleaned it.
  • Feeling like I will never matter to anyone.  At least not enough.
  • Feeling like I’ve accepted that and don’t even try to prove myself wrong anymore.
  • Stuff that gets stuck in the sockets.
  • The fact that my face still hurts, even though it sometimes stops.
  • Fear that I’ll need more expensive dental work.
  • Rage that this is all because someone fucked up.
  • The desire of always having to do everything for myself, by myself.
  • The anger of it.
  • The sheer mental exhaustion of it.
  • Wanderlust for a full night’s sleep somewhere where someone doesn’t need me to help them.
  • My own lack of empathy for myself and for those who I disagree with.
  • Chief Cheeto’s existence, and my anger at being so angry all the time.
  • The fact that I am still protesting this shit.
  • People are still dying and suffering–and I can’t help them.
  • Some people don’t see me and never will and it’s partially my fault.
  • All the grudges other people have against me–that I don’t understand.
  • Not being liked by anyone ever, somewhere in the world.
  • This awful need to not be here or be this person.
  • How hopeless and powerless I often feel.
  • How heartbroken my childhood still makes me feel.
  • How much I miss her every day.
  • How much I still need her, every day.
  • Not having anyone to tell me I’ll be okay.  Or that I am okay.
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