oh, bother

It was over 100 degrees today, with pretty significant humidity–which felt a bit like the deep South.  To a girl used to no humidity, this was not okay.  I mostly stayed inside and did a bunch of nothing.  I didn’t sleep much this weekend.  So here I am, at midnight, talking to you.  Which is very 2006, yea?  In honor of that, more questions…

50 Midnight Questions

1. What’s the wisest piece of advice your mother has ever given you?
Mama never really gave advice so much as she told me what she would do or what my Daddy would say.  I guess her best advice was to take a bath if life felt overwhelming–and that was less of a direct telling so much as that’s what she did and I just noticed it.

2. What was the worst haircut that you’ve ever gotten?
Probably this one.  And to be fair, most of the problem was not my hair.  Puberty was rough.

god

3. If you died tomorrow, who do you think your death would impact the most?
My roommate.  Because a) rent and b) cats and c) sick cat he’s never taken care of since she got sick.

4. Do you prefer writing in pencil or pen?
Pen–1 million percent. I hate pencils. The graphite and sharpening–ugh.  I only will use mechanical pencils, and even then, refilling them pisses me off.

5. What was your favorite snack when you were a kid?
Homemade tortillas with cinnamon sugar.  Or fruit of some kind.  Cherry freeze cups in the summertime from the lady around the way. Or those giant pickles at the little store.  Or chocolate revel dixie cups with the wooden spoons.

6. How did you come up with the name for your pet?
Fogg is named after a character in my favorite book.  Mumford is named for the song Little Lion Man because he looks like a lion, and we kept calling him Little Lion Man.  His name was originally Neruda for the writer.  Rilly (Rilke) is named for the writer.  We like to name our pets after artists or art we love.

7. What is the worst physical pain that you’ve ever experienced?
Probably when I had to have emergency gall bladder surgery a few Easters ago.  I had been pretty ill and hadn’t slept in days.  I threw up 23 times in a day and literally couldn’t sit because the pressure was so bad.  Once I got to the ER–after being misdiagnosed by urgent care–they immediately gave me drugs they give women in full-on labor, and those lasted about 10 minutes before I needed more.  A friend of mine, who went through it and is a mom, said that pain was worse than labor.  I would probably have to agree–though I’ve never been in labor.  It was probably the only time I’ve ever sobbed in public.

8. What is the worst emotional pain that you’ve ever experienced?
Losing my Mama.

9. What book was so bad that you didn’t even finish it?
The Iliad by Homer.  And it probably wasn’t so bad, in and of itself, as it just wasn’t my cup of tea.  I know others who’ve liked it.

10. Are there any colors that you refuse to wear?
Not really.  But really bright orange tends to not be so flattering on me.  I will wear it to show my Denver pride, though.

11. What one thing are you most proud of accomplishing?
I think earning 3 Bachelor’s degrees, 2 Master’s, and some certificates after being told by many that I’d never make it to college was pretty sweet.  But just surviving my childhood and my mother’s death? Those were pretty big, too.  The education bit was intentional, though, so we’ll go with that one.

12. If you could be interviewed on any talk show, which one would it be?
Super Soul Sunday.  After I write an amazing book that helps a lot of people.

13. What’s the scariest ghost story that you’ve ever been told?
I don’t think anyone has ever told me a ghost story–at least not directly.  I tell myself ghost stories.

14. Are there any dreams or nightmares that stick out from when you were a child?
After my Daddy died, I remember dreaming about him–he was trying to take me with him, and I told him Mama needed me.

15. What do you think is the worst crime a human could commit?
I don’t know.  I think that’s all subjective, really, to the person doing the crime and the person who is targeted by it.  All crimes hurt someone in ways that are important.  Hard to say.  I will say–I think a crime where the person doing the crime has been the victim of similar behavior is a bit more heartbreaking to me.

16. If you were reincarnated, would you want to be a boy or a girl in your next life?
I immediately wanted to say male because I’d get all the goodies.  But I love being a woman too much–so I’d choose female.

17. What artist do you wish would be taken off the radio?
I don’t know that I hate any artist enough to ban them from the radio.  Someone likes them, or they wouldn’t be there, and who am I to restrict another person’s access to joy?

18. Have you ever witnessed something unexplainable?
Oh, honey, what isn’t unexplainable?

19. If you could go back to high school, what would you do differently?
Probably nothing.  I enjoyed high school a lot, and that hard work paid off.  Maybe be more social, but that really who I was at the time–and it would have distracted me.

20. How long do you think you could last without having intercourse?
A looooong time.  Don’t ask me how I know.  For me, abstaining is not that big of a deal.  As a female, it’s pretty easy to deal with.  It’s the mental part that’s rough, and I’m even pretty zen about that.  If I wanted to get laid badly enough, I’d get laid–but I have wretched standards.

21. Are there any mythical creatures that you believe in?
I believe in all mythical creatures.  Why not?

22. Is there a specific teacher that made your life miserable?
Yes–a certain teacher gave me a C in English.  I made him eat that C, too.

23. What TV show or movie do you want to watch, but haven’t gotten around to it yet?
I’m really behind on The Americans and Scandal for no reason at all.  I just haven’t felt the urge to watch them over other things.

24. Do you think any of your coworkers deserve to be fired?
No.  I am so blessed to work with really talented, kind, great humans.  First time I can say that about my job!

25. When you were little, what scenarios did your Barbies (or G.I. Joes) act out?
Oh my God.  Epic, soap-opera style love stories.  Tragic BS, man.  I had a flair for the dramatic.  Also, they were all rock stars and princesses.

26. Do you like the color of your eyes?
I do–it’s the one thing I share with both of my parents that makes me stand out.

27. Do you believe that animals experience emotions in the same way that humans do?
Maybe not the same way, but they have emotions.

28. What’s the most embarrassing dare you’ve ever completed?
It wasn’t a dare.  It was a job.  I wore a toilet paper costume at a huge festival in Denver and handed out free samples and then guided people through a toilet paper obstacle course for a weekend.  They’d paid me damn good money.  But it was like 100 degrees and that thing was HOT.  I danced to great music, though, and people gave me turkey legs.  Haha.  I kinda miss doing promo work.

29. What common food have you never actually tried?
Scallops–and various seafood.  The whole being deathly allergic to shellfish thing limits me, sometimes.

30. What’s your favorite cat breed?
Persians.  And Siamese.  And Himalayans.  I love big, fluffy cats like sweet Mumford.  They are just so loving and so chatty.  And Maine Coons like my Fogg.  She’s so smart and has so much spunk.

31. What’s your favorite section of the newspaper?
I don’t read newspapers much anymore, but I always loved the food section and the lifestyle section.

32. Which 90s show do you wish they’d bring back?
All of them.  No, really.  I love that shit.

33. Did your parents ever tell you why they chose your name?
I was named after my Daddy’s Mama.  He loved her so much.  He insisted on it.

34. What is one memory that you wish you could erase from your mind?
I don’t think I would want to erase anything.  All the things I experienced are mine.

35. What TV show did you once loved, but eventually gave up on watching, because it got that bad?
Definitely Grey’s Anatomy.

36. What (if anything) were you bullied over when you were little?
I don’t know that I was bullied over anything.  It was more or less–I was so shy and so capable of being spooked–that some kids used to get off on scaring and intimidating me. Really kind of cruel since I was about 5 when it happened, and they were in high school.  I ended up with a head injury because of it.

37. What’s your favorite font to use when you type?
Depends on what I’m doing.

38. What age were your parents when they had you?
Mama was 41.  Not sure how old Daddy was, but he was older.  Maybe late 40s.

39. What’s the most embarrassing video in your recent Youtube history?
I don’t think any of it is embarrassing.  I just have a shitload of wisdom tooth related videos.  That’s the closest.

40. Have you ever seen a person (or a dog or a cow) give birth?
Cats.  I’ve seen lots of cats born.  I miss having newborn babies around.

41. Do you think you’re overpaid or underpaid?
Vastly underpaid.

42. Have you ever killed a houseplant?
Oh, sure.  I am apt to forget they exist.

43. Is there a specific number that holds a lot of meaning to you?
9

44. On average, how many times do you wake up in the middle of the night?
2-3, sometimes more. Sometimes, I don’t sleep at all.

45. Do you know your IQ?
Vaguely.

46. Do you know your Myers Briggs personality type?
INFP.  Basically since 1999.

47. Which Netflix show do you think is overrated?
I don’t know.

48. What is your favorite month of the year?
October

49. Which family member do you secretly hate?
I hate no one.

50. Has a celebrity ever replied to one of your Tweets?
Maybe.  I think so.  A writer…  I keep trying to get John Mayer to wave hello on his Instastories, but he always misses my comments.

45 Personal Questions to Check Compatibility

1. Where would you like to be in 5 years?
Not in California.  I’m in a state of flux right now, so that’s basically the only goal I have.

2. What was the experience that impacted you the most in your life?
Losing my parents–two experiences that inform each other.

3. What type of relationship did you have with your parents?
I was closer to my Mama, especially growing up.  We were always equals.  My mother never treated me like a child.  I always knew what was happening.  I knew about her stress and about her worries.  Always.  She never talked down to me.  She was my best friend.  My anchor.  My safe haven.  Biggest cheerleader.  We fought a lot once I was a teen and into adulthood.  Like bad.  As an adult, she struggled with letting me do my thing–mostly because it often meant I would travel and leave her.  I always did a lot for my Mama. She had physical disabilities, so I was her ears and her eyes at times.  She was also very short, so I would grab stuff for her–but I’m short, too–so that was a debacle.  She was horrible with money, so I budgeted for her.  And I cooked a lot for her.

As far as my Daddy–I was always a Daddy’s girl.  I loved to learn things from him, and he was always teaching me to do stuff or reading to me.  I always just yearned for his attention.  But I always felt unsafe with him.  Not because of anything he did on purpose, but because he was a drunk–so often I was unsafe with him.  I have scars that confirmed that.  He could be cruel and childish, so I often felt like I had to earn his love by being obedient.  We had a very difficult relationship in some ways, but in other ways, he was my favorite person.  After he died, I spent years denying that–not wanting to be anything like him and denying the parts of him that exist in me.  But now, those are my favorite parts about myself.  I’ve forgiven him and worked through the shit as much as I can.

4. Would you be with someone who doesn’t have the same beliefs as you?
It depends on the beliefs.  I think some differing opinions are fun and healthy.

5. How would your best friends describe you?
One of my friends once said I’m a huge beating heart.  I wear my heart on my sleeve, mostly, is what he was getting at.  Smart.  Funny.  Empathetic.  Playful.  Inquisitive.  Exuberant.  An optimist at my core.  Resilient.  Strong (hate that word).  The nicest ever–hate that word too. Unique.  Quirky.  Kinda crazy.  Intense as fuck.  I show up.

6. Do you usually follow your heart or your head?
Heart all the way.  I can be logical, but it’s Alma logic–which is very much heart-centered.

7. Would you put your family or your friends first if you had to choose one?
I have so little family, that it would probably be friends–but it would depend on who and what was happening.

8. What did your last relationship teach you?
If something doesn’t feel right, confront it quickly and move on.  Forgive them, but don’t give more chances.

9. What do you think of online dating?
HAHAHAHAHA.  UGH.  Basically both of those feelings.

10. Do you prefer dating just one person and see where it goes or dating multiple people until you make a decision?
One person.  I actually had issues last year with a guy because of it.  I’m such a monogamous person, even when it’s not talked about–and he was into dating lots of women–without being transparent about it.  And we hit it off really big, right away–to my shock and awe.  To me, when you connect that strongly with someone, you don’t keep dating.  You stop and see where that feeling goes.  Well, he didn’t do that–and then connected with someone else more…and all would have been fine…except I’m smart and figure things out.  So, there was that.  The shitty part was–we stayed “friends” after and still had this big connection.  That other relationship ended 3 weeks later, but our connection was basically blown because of how he treated the situation.  I could see myself with him for a while, and now we’re not even friends.  But he was someone who was pretty tone deaf about relationships, in general, and had a lot of growing up to do.  I also think he was afraid to be alone–and being with me scared the shit out of him.

11. What are the qualities you’re looking for in someone you want to grow old with?
Commitment to show up for each other.  Someone who inspires me.  Someone who stands up to me.  Forgiving and patient–because I fuck up a lot.  Someone who keeps me on my toes.  Someone who I can adventure with and laugh with.  And he has to like cats at least a little.  And put up with me talking in my sleep or not sleeping.

12. What are you most grateful for in your life?
My life.  Every single bit of it.

13. If you could change anything about your past, what would it be?
I don’t think I would.

14. What’s the one thing you would like to change about yourself today and why?
More patience and self-care.  I’m hard on myself, still.

15. If a psychic could tell you what will happen in the future, what would you want to know?
I asked one once, and it was interesting.  I guess I would like to know if I’m ever going to find another big love.  Because most days, it feels like I’m not on that path.  And if I am going to find it…what the hell am I doing wrong?

16. If you knew that you only had one year to live, what would you change in your life?
Not much.  Well, I’d leave California–probably–or move someone I like in California.  With the move magically done with no effort.

17. If money and career were no object, what would you really be doing?
See that other post.

18. What do you do when you don’t get something you worked really hard for?
Grieve.  Evaluate.  Grieve.  Lick my wounds.  Learn.  Grieve.  Pivot.  Make new goals. Get giddy. Work hard. Move on.

19. Do you hold grudges or do you forgive easily?
I forgive easily.  Life is too short for grudges.

20. What are some of your favorite quotes and why do you relate to them?
Pick up Moon Palace and point.  You’re welcome.

21. Where do you go when you need some inspiration?
Kids. Artists.  Yup.

22. Who is the first person you call when you’re in trouble?
I don’t get in trouble, and honestly, there’s no one here to save me.  I save myself.

23. Which fictional character do you believe is the most like yourself?
See previous post.

24. What is the craziest thing that you’ve done with someone?
Love them, without ever seeing them in person.

25. Do you like someone you’re interested in to pursue you or do you prefer to do the chasing?
A bit of both.  Otherwise, it’s one-sided, yea?

26. What is the best advice you’ve ever been given?
“Come back to me.”  and “Breathe.”

27.  If you could marry anyone in the world, who would it be and why?
If I knew that, I wouldn’t be single.

28. Do you think confessions make a relationship stronger?
Intimacy and vulnerability?  Yea.  I don’t confess.  I like the word, but the act of confessing implies you’re wrong.

29. Did you ever judge someone for the dark secrets they told you?
Never. Well, unless they lied to me about them and it affected my physical health.

30. What is your dream vacation and who would you take with you?
I really just want to drive along the coast for a few years.  Get an Airstream.  Add some cats.  That would be enough.  No need to take anyone.

31. What is one thing you’ve always wanted to cross off your bucket list, but haven’t yet?
See above.

32. Would you ever just quit everything and start over in a new country?
Yes.  The only reason I haven’t moved to Ireland or Scotland is that I have cats that I couldn’t possibly leave that I’m unsure I could take with me.

33. Would you relocate for love?
Depends on the length of such love and where.  Probably not, though.  Learned that lesson a while ago.  Any place I move to has to be right for me independent of that love.

34. How do you feel about staying friends with exes?
I’m fine with it and would like to have more exes as friends, but that’s not for me to decide.  I am friends with most of my near misses, and I live with an ex.  One is a very very very light acquaintance.  Like–bygones–but not much more than that.  The rest–I guess most of them are in this state of–you exist and I forgive you, but I don’t need to know you (their actions say that–which makes me question a lot of what we had…but not too much because it doesn’t matter anymore).  For me–it’s you exist and I wouldn’t mind knowing you, but you take the lead.  They ended things, so that’s their prerogative.  I really only have hard feelings toward the Canadian, and I’ve forgiven him–but I don’t want to know him.  Like ever or at all.  I really have zero romantic interest or even attraction to any of them, so being friends isn’t that big of a deal to me.  But that’s me.  They have the right to be whatever they feel like being.

35. What’s your love language?
Quality time & acts of service.  The time thing is a big deal to me.  I remember talking to an ex once, and discovering he was online–chatting with people during our conversation–and it was such a slap.  Like I was angry about it.  I think I even called him out.  I don’t really tolerate stuff like that even with friends.  If you’re here with me, be with me.  Otherwise, I can go do something else.  Don’t waste my time with this nonsense.  It’s a button.  Can you tell?  I dunno.  I really believe in being present with people. It’s what I really need.

36. If you could choose one superpower, what would it be and why?
I’d love and hate to be invisible.

37. What is your biggest regret in life so far?
See that other entry.

38. Who is your role model?
I have no role models.

39. What was your favorite romantic moment and why?
This one might be a tie.  When I met my ex-fiance, we met in a movie theatre.  It was a movie on suicide bombers, and it was totally empty.  He sat next to me, and I kept moving.  And he kept sitting next to me.  Eventually, we exchanged numbers and agreed to meet at this bookstore in downtown Denver.  It was my birthday, and it was horribly hot.  And I remember walking into this Barnes and Noble–the lobby–where they had these books on carts.  And his face lighting up for me.  He held my hand as we drove up 25 to his apartment, and when we got there, he surprised me with all these little gifts.

The other favorite romantic thing was when a guy drove pretty far just to visit me–and literally sat outside my apartment for hours, talking to me, because I wouldn’t let him in.  I was a bit of a hesitant asshole.  I know that sounds pretty whatever.  But you had to be there.

40. What is your favorite childhood memory?
Baking with my Daddy.

41. Are you still in touch with your childhood friends?
A lot of them, yes.  Some of them are my closest friends now.

42. What do you do when you’re angry?
Slam doors.  Yell.  If I’m really really really mad–I say nothing and get really quiet.

43. What are your beliefs on God?
I’m a Buddhist.  With training wheels.

44. Do you believe in soul mates?
See previous post.  🙂

45. How long does it take you to really trust someone?
Sometimes, it’s immediate.  Sometimes, it never happens.

Night, all.

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