away messages for dating apps, alma-style

Before I start my quest to find mechanical engineers in Provo…

Y’all know I love a good list. And adding on my shit to good lists.  I recently read Away Messages I Need for Dating Apps, and as a single woman who JUST disabled her dating profile for the umpteenth time this year, I decided this was something I needed to add to.

So without further ado, HAPPY FRIDAY.  🙂

Away Messages for Dating Apps, Alma-style (kinda like animal-style, but actually endearing…j/k, kinda)

  • Overwhelmed by the sheer volume of your collective hi, I’ve gone to Crestone where people are silent and never greet me except with nods and cookies.
  • I’ve been driven to cat lesbianism. My cat and I are both celibate and hate all of you. Also, we’re getting married in July.  Bring cake.
  • I was so inspired by all of you that I decided to become a full time rock climber, world traveler, air guitarist.
  • I know you lied. Hope your wife enjoys that email.
  • I would rather be a barren cat lady.
  • Currently drinking to forget you exist.
  • I’ve re-enacted the nun-phase because my vibrator is more interesting than you are.
  • No.
  • I’m now teaching classes on how to text people. You should take it, except that would mean talking to me–so nevermind.
  • Dying alone is preferable than that coffee date I survived.
  • Whoring myself out because I’m a dirty slut who enjoys sex before marriage.
  • At one of my weirdo Buddhist things where I conspire to slingshot the hell out of orange Presidents.
  • Bitterly hating all y’all in the South Bay.  Go away now.


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