chimichanga

Oof.  I’m feeling a little horrible right now.  I have severe seasonal allergies, but haven’t really had my usual allergy fest since moving to California.  However, this past week, something new must have started flowering because I’ve been getting a ton of sinus-y crap.  The problem with that is that I still have two holes in my mouth that are just barely healing–and every time I sneeze–my ear starts hurting and that triggers these horrible migraines–which then require painkillers to function–which then aggravate stomach issues…which are already aggravated by the antibiotics I had to take and the months of ibuprofen to manage all this lovely dental BS.  It’s a bit of a vicious cycle, and while I know how to deal with it, it takes time.

Anyway…I’ll be okay.  Nothing some aloe, bone broth, and a visit to the naturopath won’t fix.  But it’s my last day off before going back to work, and I think I’m also tense.  Because man, am I ever grinding my teeth–which is what got me into this whole mess!  I seriously need to get that bite guard.  But can’t until the holes heal up.  So frustrating.

Y’all may have noticed I’ve been posting here more, and that’s been on purpose.  I’ve been dealing with a lot of mental health challenges since my move to California, particularly related to anxiety and various triggers that are related to shame and worth–so I’ve been trying to come up with a game plan for self-care–which I’m just flat-out not very good about.  I was supposed to backwards plan and color code spreadsheets this weekend, but that didn’t happen.  I’ll get there.

But in the meantime, I thought about things I’ve done to cope with these types of emotions in the past–things that just help my mental health, in general–and writing was the top of the list along with photography.  So, I committed to actually writing and not just whining and updating y’all about my stupid wisdom tooth recovery.  I know you’re all fascinated by it.  🙂

Oh, and maybe I’ll share some photos.  Like I used to.  I did edit a few yesterday–which was good–but um–I have way too many photos.  And a disturbing number of them feature furry faces.

In the meantime, I really am not feeling good today, so I’m not going to attempt to write anything meaningful or profound.  Instead you’re getting one of those getting to know you dealios since someone tagged me on fb.  (How is that still a thing?)

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  • Who were you with yesterday?
    Define “with.” My roommates were upstairs for a while and then they went to a thing and J traumatized me with his clothing choices.  And bare belly.  It was disturbing.  Say no to velvet chaps.  Oh, and cats.  I’m always surrounded by cats.
  • What woke you up this morning?
    I did not wake up this morning because, technically, waking up requires sleeping.
  • Where are you?
    My bed. But I am actually sitting up, so neener.
  • Is tomorrow going to be a good day?
    It’s the first day back after a holiday.  So, probably absolutely not.  Especially since it’s also my first day back on my old account, and that is just going to be painful given a whole bunch of shit.  But it’s only 4 hours, and then I can be braindead and work on tech crap. (I am not a fan of my work right now).
  • Do you like anybody?
    Define “like.”  On one hand, I like most people.  But then there’s the dumpster fire of our world happening, and I rejoined OKStupid, so I also hate people.  I did have this twinge of familiarity with a stranger happen this week–so that was cool.  But I am probably jaded about such things.  So, I’m just doing me and letting the world do it–and letting myself be open to whatever non-dumpster fires show up.
  • Ever thrown up in public?
    YES!  And it was literally the worst because I barfed on someone.  Seriously.  3rd grade.  Sorry, Lorenzo.  Really sorry.  But, in my defense, they should not make you do the rope climb when you tell them you have food poisoning.  I will never eat chimichangas again!
  • Passed out because of alcohol?
    No.  Passed out after drinking because drinking makes me super sleepy?  Yes.  But I don’t drink much, so that’s not really a problem.  And this kind of thing mostly happened after finding out my exes built shrines to me.
  • What’s on your mind RIGHT NOW?
    Anxiety about work. How to get myself to not barf on someone in the future. Deciding on if I will actually make pancakes later, as planned.
  • What kind of home would you like? 
    Well, I made a Pinterest board about it.  One that’s mine.  By the ocean–or in mountains, by a lake.  With people I love to share it with and all the animals a house can hold.
  • What do you want to be when you grow up?
    I’m 38 and have been an orphan for 12 years. I hope to God I’m a fucking grown up by now.  That said, like everyone, I desire happiness and meaning.  I’d like to be someone’s pause.  Maybe a sex goddess.  And there better be really awesome music and food there, too.
  • Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 
    Life has a way of throwing me interesting detours, so I’m not even going to challenge the Universe on that one.  But I hope I’ll be somewhere that feels like home (but probably not CO).  I hope to be in love with my life and have someone who feels like home in my life.  I also would really love to be working with kiddos in some fashion and doing more work about causes I care about.  I’d love to have a career that I don’t dread.  Oh, and I would love to have finished filming a screenplay by then.
  • Do you like candy necklaces?
    No.  I don’t think I do.  Hard candy just doesn’t do it for me.  They remind me of Tums on floss.  
  • Do you listen to music every day?
    Sometimes. Lately, no, because of the migraines.  When I’m working, it’s rare that I have music on since I’m always talking to people.  But on sourcing days, I do dance around and sing.  At night, I just want to collapse, so no music.  I have to have music if I’m editing photos–which may be why I’m so behind on photos.
  • Do you still go trick or treating?
    God, no.  That would not be cute.  I am the candy keeper.  Though I’ve been lazy since we’ve always lived in secured buildings for the last few years.  I sincerely miss that about having a house as opposed to an apartment.  I’ve also been slacking on costuming.  Maybe this year.  
  • What was the last thing you ate?
    Mashed potatoes and stuffing with a bunch of provolone cheese melted on top.  Which might also have contributed to the sick.  I didn’t want to cook yesterday, and I still have leftover surgery food.
  • Are you a fast typer?
    Last time I checked, it was around 65 wpm. Is that fast?  I dunno.  I was a secretary and CSR in high school/college, so I did okay with such things.  If I’m really inspired to write something, I probably type much faster.
  • Whats your favorite type of soda? 
    Coca Cola is an evil mistress.  But it has to be icy cold.  Sometimes, I have to have a Dr. Pepper.  Oh, and I have a surprising love of grape soda.  And green apple soda.  OH, and Boylan’s cherry soda.  That’s my favorite.  I have a soda problem.  I’m working on it.  Thanks, jasmine tea.
  • Have you ever moved?
    Actually, not a ton.  I like to put down roots.  I once moved only a block away and basically lived on the same street for 12 years–different buildings.  This last move was my biggest, though I did help move my ex from Southern Cal to Denver (so, the opposite of my move).  But that was totally different because he had like no stuff and I had a knee injury and didn’t really help except for smiling and wishing I could help more.
  • Have you ever won an award?
    LOTS. I was that girl who won all the things. I had 20+ scholarships for undergrad.  I was in the paper.  I won a spelling bee.  I went to nationals for a science and tech trivia thing.  I won stuff in college, too.  Oh, and I won a trip and was #1 in my company last year.
  • Are you listening to music right now?
    No–head hurts too much and it’s only 7:30.
  • How long ’till your birthday?
    mid-August
  • When were you the saddest in your whole life?
    The year of the cyclone.
  • What time is it?
    See above.
  • Do you use ebay to buy or sell?
    Nope. I rarely sell things.
  • Who makes you mad? 
    Oh, God. The list is unending.  Mostly myself, though.
  • Have you ever heard a song written about you?
    No.  Thank God.  Exes have written a lot of poetry and one wrote a book about me.  So, that was interesting.  I read the poetry.  I have not read the book.  
  • What do you do when you’re mad?
    There are degrees of rage.  There’s the I don’t want to be mad, so I’m not going to be mad phase where I deny I’m angry and just let it simmer on the backburner.  That is probably the most prominent since I hate conflict.  It takes a LOT to get me angry.  But usually, I will leave and slam doors.  If that’s not possible, and someone is yelling at me, I will eventually yell back.  I usually leave because I am really good at ripping people a new one, and I really never want to do that.  So, leaving allows me to calm down and just process what’s happening.  Oddly, at my most angry, I will just totally shut down and not speak to the person.  It doesn’t take a lot to get me to talk again, but if I ever go totally quiet, I may actually disappear for good.  If I’m yelling or crying, I’m still trying to fix the problem.  I’m much better at anger and conflict.  It’s rarely a thing–except with one person in my life who has major anger issues.  I’m very much a let’s work this out now–don’t go to bed mad–sort of person.  I forgive quite easily.  But I do have a lot of anger about our world.  I’ve been known to soapbox.  But I’m mostly a pretty calm, quiet person.
  • What’s the worst thing you’ve done when you were mad?
    Gave up.  Didn’t fight for the relationship because I didn’t feel seen or heard or valued.  Or tried to hurt people that person loved to get some kind of reaction from the person I was angry with.  Nothing huge–just a I don’t want anything from anyone connected to you sort of thing.  It was petty.  I’m not like that anymore.  I’ve worked hard to not be passive aggressive.  It used to be a bigger issue for me.  Oddly, the person I’ve had most arguments with in the last few years has helped me be very direct and nondramatic about conflict.
  • Ever made anyone cry when you were mad?
    Oh, yea.  Being an HSP and an INFP, I pick up on a lot of stuff about people.  Which can be great because it means I really SEE them.  But if I’m angry, I can zero in on the thing that hurts them the most.  And if I’m in a bad place, I can be really cruel.  I’m well aware of my serrated edges and the power my gifts give me.  So, I really really try to reign myself in.  But it has hurt people, and while I’m so sincerely sorry, I know I can’t fix that.  I’m very careful about my words.
  • Do you swear when you’re mad?
    I swear all the time, but especially since Chief Cheeto was elected. It’s so bad!  Haha.  #noregrets
  • When was the last time you actually cried?
    Yesterday.  I found out someone I really admired artistically committed suicide back in March.  I hadn’t heard about it and didn’t ever have conversations with her, but I know we would have been good friends if I ever said hi at some point.  A kindred spirit whose work I could’ve written.  Given how many brilliant friends I’ve lost to suicide in the last 10 years, it’s always a gut punch.
  • Ever cried yourself to sleep?
    I call that 2004-2007.
  • Do certain songs make you cry?
    You can’t lose both your parents by 26 and not have a life soundtrack that bludgeons you.
  • What usually makes you cry?
    Being frustrated.  Being angry.  Cruelty.  Injustice. Human suffering.  Heart disease.  Suicide.  Really beautiful things.  Being incredibly happy and joyful.  How much I love things and people.  Music.  Art.  Shared experience. Community.  Home.  Visiting my holy places. Witnessing life.  Teaching someone something and seeing them get it.  Vulnerability.  Honesty.  Nostalgia.  I’m such a freak about nostalgic things.  Winning after fighting really hard for something.
  • Are you usually a happy person? 
    I feel like there’s an untouchable undercurrent of joy that runs through my life and stabilizes me if I just surrender to it.  I can be calm and happy and childlike in ANY situation.  I really can.  But I also find that I often tether away from it and get bogged down in the darkness.  I have to work hard to stay connected to that joy.  But it’s always there for me.
  • What makes you the happiest?
    Water.  Color.  Nature.  Feeling like myself.  Being kind.  Gratitude.  My kitty stinkers.  Hope.
  • Do you believe in yourself?
    I have this stubborn belief that I will be okay.  This stubborn–some would say delusional–hope that what is mine will show up for me.  I struggle a lot with self-worth–even though I mostly don’t realize it when I’m truly struggling with it (how’s that for bizarre?!).  I used to tell people I have this unshakable belief in what I can DO–not so much who I AM.  And that’s still quite true.

Alright.  That was not so bad.  Time to rest.

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