the one with no title and lots of sighs.

I haven’t slept very well this week.  I think part of it is being bored out of my mind at work.  There were a few bright light moments where I didn’t want to stab myself this week, but being this un-challenged day in and day out–for me–is like brain death.

On the plus side, yes–dears–this means my new client still hasn’t launched and who knows when they will–but they finally signed the contract.  Huzzah.  So, I should be alright for next week.  Hopefully, I feel okay when I return.

Work has been bringing me a lot of angst lately, and I am not a fan of work angst.  The last few weeks, along with all the dental pain and associated anxiety, have been really tough on me.  Tough in an emergency sort of way that requires a lot of thinking and effort towards, and about, self-care.  But, mostly, I’ve been so tired and paralyzed that I’ve not done a lot of that self-care.

So, as much as I’m absolutely terrified about all the crap that really could go wrong with the wisdom tooth yanking–I’m looking forward to time off–3 1/2 days of worrying about me only.  (Well, and the cats).  That rarely happens, and considering I’ve gone through surgery before, I sort of know what convalescence looks and feels like.  Only this time, I’ll actually be able to lay down (and sleep) without crying.  And I’ll be able to move my abdomen.  (I think I almost had a breakdown because I could not sleep on my side after my gb surgery).  Still, I think most of my anxiety and freak out feelings about my wisdom tooth stuff is the fact that I don’t entirely trust anyone here.  The oral surgeon comes well-reviewed.  He’s a professor and teaches other people these things.  He made it seem like it was as easy as sneezing.  But I didn’t feel like all my questions were answered and he wasn’t exactly the warm and fuzzy type–like the dentist I first saw–who messed up my filling.  I guess I just don’t trust any practitioners in California.  I’ve yet to find any–except that dentist who fixed my filling–who actually listen and take their time with me.  It was hard to find those people back home, too, but I must’ve hit some kind of jackpot by almost dying on an Easter Sunday because that surgeon really got what I needed and that gave me the ability to trust that I was going to be okay.  I guess I’ve just had a lot of challenging medical shit happen to me, and I’ve seen the worst case scenarios–so I don’t just automatically assume it’ll be fine.  Because, sometimes, it fucking isn’t.  And I’m really just so tired of being in pain. (The wisdom tooth is finally causing my face to hurt, so it’s good that it’s coming up so soon).

Even my roommate–who was a gem when I was convalescing before and truly did some heroic shit for me–is not someone I trust completely.  And really, there isn’t a friend in my life that I truly trust all that well.  Our friendship has changed a lot, and he’s not exactly known for understanding what I need.  And I’m not exactly good at asking for it.  And he’s really just driving me to and from the appointment.  I’ll mostly be alone afterwards.  Hopefully, I don’t bleed to death or have some other shitshow happen, but it reminds me of how alone I am–actually.  And that really sucks.

And mother’s day is always this gut punch.  It never gets better.  It’s worse now because of the politics happening.  If we’ve ever discussed medical anything, you probably get why.  I just feel like a lot of people don’t–can’t–understand…and that makes me want to educate them–which brings back so much crap for me.

So, yea–a rough few days.  I also found out more lies from work people I considered friends–who I probably shouldn’t have trusted.  Nothing really bad–but stuff that makes it clear we’re not really friends.

The funny thing?  I’m making friends–at work–but still…friends.  That’s hard to do as an adult–especially an introvert.  And not just “work friends”–actual people who I talk to outside of work–who I wish lived out here–or vice versa.  It’s nice.

And I had some work victories this week.  For the new account.  Got to do things I enjoy–things that allowed me to keep brain cells.


I’m not sure why I’ve had to go through this painful, frustrating period in my life–but I’m seeing some lessons and feel grateful for it.  Maybe I needed this so I could deal with the pain and the bullshit of my body.  I’ve learned, though, that it’s mostly the mental shit that’s rough.  So, I’ve thought a lot about how to circumvent that in the future.  I might work on self-care stuff next week, but my plans are basically sleeping and getting through it.  Sorta how I’ve spent the last couple of months–only without that sleep thing.  I hope it’s a big reset for me.

I need it.  So so much.  No one has any clue how much I’ve been struggling.  I’m hanging in there, but it’s hard.




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