the cluster

Online dating is just the worst.  The worst.  And yet, I know it CAN work, and seeing as how I know pretty much no one out here–I keep finding myself going back to it.  If I had a normal job, I’d naturally meet people all the time at work or on the way to work.  But, because I basically am at home, most days, meeting people is just not a thing.  I’m not a bar hopper.  I shop online, mostly.  And I like ordering in.  The only time I really go anywhere is to take my cat to the vet, walk around the neighborhood, or to grab a package.  Everyone who lives here is either married with kids, gay, or a tech bro.  And, um, no.  If I ever get around to roadtripping somewhere, I might meet someone there, but that would be doomed because no one lives in the South Bay except tech bros.  And we’ve been over that aversion.  So, Internet it is.

And I HAVE met people out here that I clicked with for a minute or two.  But it never lasts because they’re a) married and lying about it; b) superficial and slutty (the slutty part was fun for a while, but not a long-term match); c) moving away because this place sucks; d) a match in terms of intellect, but nothing more; e) man children who need the rush of romance, so they constantly keep looking even though they really like you and can see you being it for them/dumb enough to basically get caught in related lies; and e) as close to a match as I seem to get, but sort of far away and in a different life stage and basically married to staying here forever…also not really honoring of boundaries.

My friends think I’m too picky.  And maybe I am.  But shouldn’t I be?  I mean–I’m not looking for a fuck buddy.  I’m looking for a real partner.  My life hasn’t been easy, and I doubt that will ever change, so I really need someone who isn’t some fly by night whatever.  The guys I’ve loved were great in a lot of ways, but they lacked a real ability to handle me…to be as loyal as I am…and to want the same things.  So, yea–I’m going to be a little picky–because I’m tired of being blindsided by such things.

I am a bit picky about appearances too.  I’ll admit that.  I just don’t find some things attractive, and I really think you should have that spark with someone.  I’ve settled on that before and really lived to regret it.

I don’t think I’m asking for too much, though.  Just integrity, a sense of humor, loyalty, smarts, and someone I can banter with who makes my face light up.  Oh, and not someone who wants to live here forever.  Someone who’d be alright traveling across the country and not being a slave to corporate crap.  Someone who might want a kid or two and likes cats.  Who’d support me getting a dog, at some point.  I love pretty easily, so these standards–ahem–boundaries–are needed.  And, as I have pointed out in my dating profile–I don’t need someone to complete me or make me whole–as awesomely romantic as that sounds.  I just want someone to witness this life with.  And if I don’t find him, I’ll be disappointed–but whatever–my life is still good.

The thing I hate so much about this whole song and dance is how people are so inauthentic or just batshit nuts.  Do these things happen to men?  I mean–maybe–they must.  There’s the annoying saying “hi” only when I specifically say don’t just say hi.  Because I instantly hate you when you do that.  Seriously.  Just why?  And then there’s the idiots who send me horribly punctuated and written things–which hey–not everyone is a writer.  But as someone who clearly writes and values the written word–could you at least proofread before you send it?  I’m forgiving of so much writing shit, but sometimes it’s so bad–I’m like: HOW?  How do you actually think we have ANYTHING in common?  Or the guys who pull the cut and paste and send it to you multiple times so it’s egregiously clear that they’re doing it.  Or the PUA assholes who backhand compliment you and then get butthurt when you ignore them.  Or the mentally ill–seriously mentally ill–people who send you unhinged messages when you don’t respond to their first slightly crazy message within 2 minutes of sending it.  Dude.  I wasn’t even online.  And I did check out your profile–even though you were SCARY–and YUP–totally certifiable.  (Um, why the Hell don’t these sites screen for out and out crazy or sociopathic behavior?…Oh, wait…they’d have no members).

It’s exhausting.  Just to find one person to grab a drink with.  Literally, how many people do I have to review?  HUNDREDS.  I’m so not kidding.  After a while, you actually start lowering standards just to say you tried.  Just to confirm your boundaries are worthwhile.  But even then, it’s a massive cluster.

At this point, I really think I should just let friends set me up because clearly this isn’t working.  Or maybe I should just date puppies.


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