all the sighs

It’s amazing how you can just be bopping along, thinking you’re on one path, and then find you went down some rabbit hole you either didn’t choose or didn’t realize you chose.

That’s how my week and day have been.  How are you?

I’m kind of in a grumpy mood.  Oddly, when I woke up and started my day, I was in a good mood.  I say oddly because of things I’ll share later.  Then, I found out some work news that made me so frustrated that I very much contemplated my future with this company.

It reminded me that everything is often so fragile.  Even when it seems solid.  Something I’ve known for far too long.  While all the things I mentioned in my previous posts are absolutely true, for me anyway, there is always a tipping point.  As an INFP, I’m very value driven.  So when a value is violated, things can change rapidly, and my commitment to things can change in a heartbeat.

I’m lots of emotions right now.  But mostly, it’s a disillusionment that is hard for me to take.  Which is causing me some anger and sadness.  Which has basically been the last few months for me.  And I absolutely know I’m overreacting.  Because of all the rest of it.  I know.  I know.  Calm down.  No.

This week has taught me lessons about what I want and don’t want.

I’ve been dealing a lot with shit I don’t want lately.  Like this week, I learned–deep down in my bones–how much I hate working tech.  It’s fine once in a while.  I used to do it all the time, as  a newb.  But I quickly got away for a reason.  I HATE IT.  It’s dull.  I have a hard time staying awake.  It doesn’t help that the situation is less than ideal, so ramp-up is taking longer.  It also doesn’t help that I have no goals, other than outreach targets I could achieve in my actual sleep–and no chance of earning a bonus this month.  The disgruntlement may be related to that.  But it’s way more than that, but my worth has everything to do with it.

Which…yay…progress…I know my worth.  And boo hiss…apparently, I’m the only one.

Living in Silicon Valley, I am frequently approached about leaving my employer.  I am a top performer with lots and lots of skills and experience.  I turn most of them down because I like my job.   like where I am.  Or at least, I did.  Change is interesting because, well, it turns everything around.

I am loathe to consider most things here because mostly tech–which I hate.  And mostly long commutes to and fro–which I don’t want to do and can’t do if I go back to school.  Which I am.  But I’ve also been approached by competitors who are just as bad, but probably honor my value more.  So do you stay where your value isn’t honored, but they let you grow?  Or do you go where you’re stuck, but respected?  I don’t know.  That’s something to think about.

I’m just really tired.

Oh, AND I broke my toe.

No, really.

And no, I didn’t go to the doctor.  It’s a lovely shade of purple.

I can still walk.  It’s fine.

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