falling flat

Some weeks just suck. Nothing goes your way. Shit comes flying from all sides.  You just can’t win.  You hold on and do better come Monday.

For me, my week started with some unbelievable bullshit. Which was humans behaving badly during a time when everyone is behaving badly.  It set the tone for a lot of things…1) me being thrown under the bus (this was a theme); 2) me pushing back; 3) me having way too much to do in really shitty circumstances; and 5) my body caving on me.

It’s hard to deal with these intense, emotionally draining things even when you’re well and not feeling like you’re gonna die.  Unfortunately, for me, my body was raising holy Hell and I was in extreme pain and didn’t feel like I could call out.  Not this week.  I should have, but given the fires–that would have been even worse for me.  So, between running to the bathroom every 20 minutes, I made it through my week.

Things worked out as they usually do.  We lost a candidate, but he proved to be an asshole anyway.  People got mad, but it just gives me a chance to do my thing.  People were unprofessional and unreliable–but it let me earn my reputation.  And I saved our asses yet again.  I beat goal.  I did a lot.  But once again, I was stymied by all the damn paperwork.  And once again–all my ideas kept bubbling up–and once again, I was the one being asked to fix it all.

So, while there were some victories this week, I felt like an utter failure today.  I hadn’t delivered in the ways I normally do.  And that sucks.  I’m capable of more, but I am only one person with only so much time–and I was literally in the worst pain I’ve been in since losing my gall bladder.

I’ve been under tremendous stress for months now.  I haven’t really gotten a true break since the move, and I’ve been so sick this year.  The stress of all of it is getting to me.  Plowing through and willing my way through it by force of stubbornness is dumb and doesn’t fix anything.  My ideas are great and will help me, but take time to set in motion–that I don’t have with all the rest of it.  The emotional strain of the entire world has been weighing on me.  The anger, the negativity, the sadness–it’s getting to me.  And my normal self-care has been off.  My diet’s been off.  My sleep? Off.

This week, I was very aware of it–but unable to do anything about it except try to keep up.  It was so frustrating and that created more stress.  It did not help that Fogg has been having behavioral issues, not eating great, and having high test results.  It doesn’t help that I don’t trust her vet.  And it doesn’t help that Amazon literally fucked me over today when it comes to my ability to make sure she’s okay.  It’ll get fixed.  I know all of that, but the extra work to get there is a bit too much right now.  Mostly because I just have nothing left.

One thing is just so clear–I’ve got to limit the negativity right now.  I’m lucky that my coworkers are also great friends and that I have a couple people I can talk to about stuff–who get me–but the weight of other friendships that have drifted or are basically done often overshadow it and are burdens.  I’m real clear that I’ve got to take care of this body–because it is screaming for love right now and I haven’t been this sick in years.  But I also know how much body and mind are intertwined.  So, I’m recommitting this weekend to a few things…eating how I should.  Doing the things that healed my body before.  And writing regularly.  I was going to post on Monday, but it never got done.  I did most of it–but–it’ll be late and it was time oriented–but who cares?  I’m forgiving myself for failing.

One good thing about this week was that I found myself cutting myself some slack, and instead of making promises that would cost too much–I told the truth to my clients.  “I’ve had a crazy day, and I’m not going to get this to you for a day or two.  I want it to be as thorough as it normally is–but that’s not possible.  Here’s what I can give you…”

That was big.  For me to admit I wasn’t superwoman in a professional setting was like Chief Cheeto admitting he has a crappy toupee.

I was proud of myself, but also pissed that I wasn’t actually superhuman.

For me, the physical stuff is definitely linked to both that feeling and that too much.  So, I’m thinking about taking some time this weekend to work on those things that will help.  I don’t want to work on the weekend, but I never have time during the week and at least I will be choosing it rather than running on this damn neverending torture mill.

My normal is to try to make big change all at once.  But not this time.  This time…I’m just going to put my shit together for work and eat a bland diet this weekend till my body calms down.  Drink some water.  Sleep.  Take a few baths.  Hug my cats.  Not worry about how clean the kitchen is.  Not care about the damn boxes.  Just sit on my butt and let myself recover.  And damn, I may even take a vacation soon.  Because it’s time I did that. A real damn vacation. The world will not fall apart if I disappear and do right by me.

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