happy christmas

12 years.

Part of me still doesn’t want to believe it ever even happened. Part of me can’t believe it’s been THAT long. Almost a third of my life spent without her. How can that even be? Time is a funny thing.

Truthfully, as much as I *knew* I needed a change–needed to leave Denver and all the ghosts that lived there–it wasn’t until this weekend that I truly realized it.

Having space away from all the familiar things that kept me stuck back in 2004 was so necessary and opened up new spaces in my heart. Having time alone to process this new normal allowed me to embrace that new normal.

Today will always be a tough day for me, but I am optimistic and happy about the healing I’ve done. How easy it is to see it–but more importantly–feel it today. To be able to claim my life as mine and know I can be happy again. Completely, unabashedly happy–for no real reason except I’m here. Part of me is in shock about that, and part of me is in shock that my life is what it is now–because I never thought I’d end up here. Hah.

For those of you suffering during the holidays–I so get it. I have been there. And sometimes, I am still there. But, if nothing else, I’m an example that it does get better eventually–if you are stubborn as Hell and fully committed to making it better. Let yourself be everything you need to be, but also fight like Hell for your healing and honor the life you are lucky to still have.

And if you are one of the people who can count your blessings, try to remember those who cannot join you. Every single day of my life, I remember the man on the bus who gave me comfort and hope on the worst day of my life–for no reason except he could. Remember–you always have the power to give someone a reason to keep going–and you may not even know it.

Love & miss you all. Happy Christmas.

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