all the new things
(So, for those wondering, I was diagnosed with a double ear infection and a sinus infection. I had some lingering jaw pain, mostly when I ate, but antibiotic drops and Flonase are basically kicking that to the curb. I feel much better, but probably going to take the weekend to be a lazy bum before tackling the remaining madness of this relocation).
In about a week or so, I turn 38. And in exactly 4 weeks, we will officially hand over the keys to our landlord and hit the road with our three cats.
It’s a little terrifying. On both counts.
38 seems ridiculously old, but I am oh-so-grateful for all of those years. But the older I get, the more I realize time is quickly passing through my fingers and I have so much I want to do–and who knows how long to do it.
Last week, I made a new friend–who just happened to be celebrating his birthday on the day we met. I mentioned to him, rather uncharacteristically, that–in recent years–birthdays kind of upset me and throw me into a brief depression. I tend to get butthurt about who forgot, focusing on them instead of the people who remembered. I tend to isolate myself and even have shut down my social media to avoid the internal battle that goes on with me. Because, when people remember me, I’m actually so in love with my birthday. And it doesn’t take much to make me happy. Just simple acknowledgement. But, as I get older, the more sensitive I get to slights and the more almost angry it makes me. Plus, it’s always a hard day because the person I always spent my birthdays with isn’t here. Being single, it’s especially lonely–and I’ve even been known to post embarrassing things on Craigslist during such times. Haha.
So, every year, I really have to manage my emotions. But I’m always pretty introspective and moody about the whole thing. I always set intentions for the year and look back at the year that was.
I don’t think I’m doing that this year. I probably will avoid social altogether. And I doubt I’ll check to see who said what on Facebook. No offense. It’s just a mental health thing, and I’m choosing to just believe that everyone I love most said what needed to be said rather than keeping score in my head.
I don’t think I’m going to review the year or set intentions either. Because if this year taught me anything, it’s that I have zero control over anything at all. Sometimes, random shit will just suckerpunch you. And it was a hard damn year. I don’t need that reminder. As for intentions? Well, everything changes in four weeks. I have no idea what life will feel like once all our shit is out there. But I do know I’m in for lots of change. Rather than managing the change, I’m just going to embrace it and try to love it as much as I can. So, if there’s an intention for year 38, it’s surrender.
I am a goal-oriented person, and leaving Denver is a big deal for me. The next four weeks, I am focusing on letting go of all the physical things I don’t need. That means a lot of non-physical things will be released too, of course, because that’s how that goes. But leaving also means leaving behind people who may not be great for me and putting distance between me and the past–since I won’t have as many opportunities to bump into it.
I want my California adventure to be just that…an adventure. I want to fill my life with new people and places and make new memories that I choose. It’s time to play and also work hard on the whole life thing. It’s time to get serious about my dreams. It’s time to embrace abundance and be happy.
I’ve really thought about what’s been missing in my life these last few years and, basically, it’s been my heart. I’ve held back. Protected myself and others. At times, I gave up. I want to dance to great music. I want to stimulate my mind with wonderful lectures. I want to laugh hard. I want to feel my body touch the Earth. I want to feel the breeze and smell the ocean. I want to nourish my body and my heart. So, I am planning on a lot of new things. I’m going to push myself out of my introvert comfort zone and explore things that make my heart happy and inspire me. Namely–just be more social–go out and attend events. Get lost. Find community. Travel. Study. Volunteer. Make the most of this beautiful place that isn’t mine and maybe make it more mine.
Because that is when I am most myself. Not when I’m hibernating and licking my wounds.
As part of all of this, I’ve decided to take on a new personal project–which is something I’ve wanted to do for a while–and even started attempting a bit ago. I’m going to start a new blog sometime in September that will be focused more on my passions and healing. It’s not really going to be introspective or a diary exercise like what I do now. It’s going to be more about sharing things that have helped me and also celebrating life. A lot of it will be a way to keep myself accountable and committed to the things I’ve decided to embrace. So, expect a lot of photography, food/recipes, life lessons, and joyful tales in this crazy new place. I’ll probably always also have this little side place for my introspection–and eventually–that will find its way there–but for now, it’s not going to be my focus. I’ll share all the new things as I get them set-up and posted.
I’m certain that, no matter what ups and downs 38 has for me, it’s going to be a magical, radically shifting year. I can’t wait.