some things stay

Before I get started with the actual thing I wanted to write about, I want to send a whole world full of love to the folks down in Ellicott City, Maryland.

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In some other life, I was someone’s girl.  And he moved across the country even though I told him I wouldn’t join him.  But we still tried.  The January after he moved out, I went to visit him in Columbia for a whole month.  And, during that time, I realize how much we truly did love each other and also how much we’d lost in his leaving.  Sometimes, those realizations were blinding–like being branded by a hot poker.

But, sometimes, we’d make our way to places that we both loved instantly.  And for a few hours–we’d be us.  Like no time had passed.  Like betrayal hadn’t fast forwarded us to some other us.  And we’d dance in the streets in the rain of some quirky little place we’d never heard of.

I spent a few beautiful nights with that man that I loved enough to grieve about for years.  In that sweet, little place that reminded us both of home and our lives together.

Get well soon.

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I’ve been meaning to write this blog post for like forever.  But I’ve been busy and overwhelmed.  Emotionally, often, but also just with stuff to do.  Things are becoming more real, I suppose, and with that comes things to process.  And emotions to handle.

The biggest ones, I guess, come from feeling lonely.  Wanting things I don’t have.  Reviewing the past.  Reading old things I wrote during much more dark times with people I probably loved too much.  Only, now, I’m the one leaving.

I was stupid enough to recently reopen my OKStupid because–I figured–might as well try.  But oh, do I hate this part.

Especially when so much of who I am believes the guy I’m probably supposed to be with is someone I’ve already met–someone I’ve probably hurt–who is keeping distance for whatever reason…and so am I.  It’s a stupid time to try to date anyone.  And yet, here I am–trying again.  Mostly because what else do you do when you’re lonely?  Other than wallow and make terrible choices.

Oops…tangenting.

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I wanted to write a post about the Looking movie I watched the other day.  Which I was SO EXCITED about because I was obsessed with the series and was devastated when they cancelled it.  It was one of the few shows on television that honestly portrayed gay relationships as actual relationships and vividly highlighted gay intimacy in all its forms.  I just loved everything about it.

(Don’t read further if you want to avoid spoilers).

First–some background–for those who don’t know the show.

The show is an ensemble piece with Patrick (Jonathan Groff) as the tether that links everyone together.  At the same time, while Patrick is so relatable and endearing, every single character is well-developed and beautifully written–showing the range of what it means to be gay.  Patrick is part of this small group of friends, just trying to figure out relationships and life.  None of them really have it figured out.  Patrick works at a tech firm and has a crush on his boss–who he later gets involved with while his boss is attached in a long-term relationship.  They eventually break up, after moving in together, probably because Patrick is still hung up on his ex–Richie (played by Raul Castillo).  But also because they just don’t mesh in some important ways. Richie & Patrick broke up for some pretty heartbreaking reasons, but have finally come to be friends now that Richie is with someone else.  Still, there is a palpable poignancy and what if thing happening every time they hang out.

I love Patrick’s character because, in many ways, he reminds me of me.  He’s emotional and often says/does stupid things he later regrets.  He’s scarred by his family and struggles to finally be the person he chose to be.  And he is a bit of a commitmentphobe because of it–often sabotaging relationships and running away when people get too close.  But deep down, he loves people with all his heart and is always trying to do the right thing.

During the show, I always rooted for Richie and Patrick to get back together, though I certainly didn’t blame Richie for being leery of Patrick.  I love Richie and Patrick together, but I also loved Patrick and Kevin (Russell Tovey) together–even though it was full of landmines and was so painful to watch at times.

Patrick’s group of friends also includes his roommate Agustin who is a tortured artist who really struggles with his relationships and doesn’t quite know what to do with himself professionally.  He’s a bit highstrung and bitchy–and we love him for it.  There’s Dom–my total favorite character on the show–who is trying to open a restaurant and is just the epitome of a great man.  He ends up involved with Lynn (Scott Bakula), and I absolutely loved that relationship–though it turns into a total mess.  Dom has a brother-sister relationship with the amazing Doris (Lauren Weedman), but their relationship starts changing after Doris invests in Dom’s idea and then gets seriously involved with a new guy.

Looking, the Movie picks up a year after the last episode.  Patrick has moved to Denver following his nasty break-up with Kevin.  He wanted a clean slate and didn’t want to keep hurting people.  So, now he’s the head guy at some start-up and comes home to San Francisco to attend the wedding of Agustin and the guy who was his love interest in the last season–an HIV infected youth counselor who seems an unlikely match for Agustin.  Agustin seems happily in love, but terrified of marriage.  Dom finally has his chicken restaurant and no longer is with Lynn.  He hasn’t dated anyone and has been a slave to his business.  He hasn’t spoken to Doris in quite a while.  She’s trying to make a baby with her boyfriend.  Richie is still dating his douche boyfriend.  And Kevin is back to his old boyfriend, about to leave the city for good.

The movie is pitch perfect in so many ways, but mostly it’s at its best in the small moments.  Patrick is still pretty hung up on Richie, but he keeps his distance.  He’s haunted by Kevin–and he does what I would do and meets up with him.

I’m pretty sure that scene is one of the most heartbreaking, real scenes I’ve seen on TV about an actual break-up.  Kevin is pissed at Patrick for running away, and he’s clearly still in love with him.  And there’s a chance Patrick is still in love with Kevin.  But it’s not enough, and there is still so much pain.  It’s a truly beautiful scene that had me thinking about my past loves and what I’d say if we met up in some random coffee shop and tried to make peace.

In that moment, I kind of wanted Kevin and Patrick to get back together.  But that’s mostly completely erased when Patrick and Richie roam the streets of San Francisco again, like old times.  And then the scene in the nightclub?  That cinematography.  YES.  My God.  Perfection.

I wish they’d given Dom and Doris more to do in this movie, but it was all so well done.  I will truly miss this show.

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I’ve also been pretty obsessed with The Night Of recently–though I wasn’t in love with the last episode.  I did, however, want to talk about that scene with Andrea’s cat.  I’ve thought about that cat since the very first episode when she puts him outside in her gated patio when Naz is in her apartment.  For me, this cat scene in this episode was so well done and really highlighted the fact that she belonged to someone.  Too often, murder victims in these shows are just devices that we forget.  But the cat reminds us that someone loved her and depended on her.  And that she did the same for them.  It left me with this sadness and feeling of loss–almost as if I knew her.

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