we’ll get there.

In many ways, I am just like my mother.  When things are chaotic, I get the same look on my face that she used to have.  I worry and fret–and want to know everything about everything.  And I clean.  So much.  Nothing makes me feel better when I’m terrified than cleaning things and ridding myself of crap I don’t need.

So, while–yes–I was pretty damn scared last night about finally leaving my beloved Denver and all the memories this city holds–but mostly about leaving all the things that encompassed my life with my parents–today felt good.

I was a bit frustrated at times, but mostly, I did a lot of work.  It helped me feel better about being able to get it all done.  The roomies and I decided to do the bulk of this weekend’s work tomorrow–which will be exhausting, I’m sure–but we did get a lot of planning done.  Whatever I can’t do, we’re hiring a mover to do.  The tricky part will be timing since there is so much to do before we go.  Namely, I want to get a tattoo and get my hair done before we leave–because I’m so picky about such things.  And I want to do a day-trip to Never Summer and Mount Evans.  I invited the roomies along, since one has never been, and the other was with me when I scattered the rest of Mama’s ashes years ago.  I think I’ll also go on a solo trip to the old neighborhood and I’ll visit my Daddy’s grave too.  I should see people, too, I suppose–but I’m debating not doing that.  Mostly because leaving is going to be SO HARD–and seeing people sad I’m going will make it that much harder.

I mostly just need to say goodbye to my parents and this difficult chapter of my life.  Leaving Denver represents a very big new beginning.  One that is about things I choose–and not what I inherited.  It’s not just leaving home or my parents’ memories.  It’s leaving behind all the pain that happened here and embracing the life I earned–and chasing the life I actually want.  Things here are still so hard, and life there will be so much easier–in so many ways.  All new adventures.  And maybe that will finally allow me to heal in the ways I can’t here in Denver.

I’m already crying.

It’s taken me so long–so many false tries–but it’s actually happening now.  In six weeks.  And I don’t have to do everything alone anymore.

It’s gonna take some time to adjust.  But I’m hoping this is the start of so many wonderful new things.  Or at least a few interesting detours instead of running around the same painful circles.


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