the mess that’s me
I tend to be an all or nothing person. It’s just how I’m built. But, lately, I wonder if maybe I should try changing that.
This year has been a bit of a disaster of ups and downs when it comes to my love life. I’ve found all kinds of connections, but I’m realizing that a lot of what I connect to is unhealthy and just not right. It’s part of patterns I grew up with and things I would have accepted just a few years ago with open arms. But those things I used to accept really hurt me and even though ignoring these cracks allowed me to delude myself and embrace what I didn’t really deserve…it never lasted.
For a while, I was too careful. Too afraid to make any mistakes at all. Too sad and broken to try. So I didn’t. And life wasn’t bad, but it was certainly lonely.
This year, I’ve been lonely–off and on–and it’s made me jump in pools I wasn’t exactly ready to dive into–only to face drowning and sometimes getting the rude end of the chlorine.
I’ve made so many mistakes this year. I’ve hurt people, even though it’s the very last thing I wanted. I’ve been hurt. I’ve hesitated when I shouldn’t have. I pussied out when I knew better. But I was unflinchingly myself–even when I wasn’t brave or good enough. And I listened to my instincts when all I saw were red flags. I questioned them a lot. And I learned that I am not always the fucked up one. Sometimes, it’s actually them. And it’s okay to say no. It’s okay to say not yet. And the ones worth it will wait for me. And the ones trying so hard to convince me? They’re easy to release.
I’ve spent the last little while avoiding love again. Alone and lonely again. Because I thought I needed fixing. Because I wanted to be braver than I actually am. But then I realized who I am right now is perfectly fine. And it doesn’t mean I have to go off and figure it out. Maybe I can just say, “Hey…here I am. I’m imperfect and silly and sometimes cold and aloof. Sometimes, I am not ready. But I am worth all the bullshit. Don’t give up on me.” And maybe, one day, someone will be worthy of this mess that’s me and won’t be easy to let go of.
I hope so, anyway.