dreamers

This week has been a bit odd.  Work was demanding and busy.  Lots of new things.  Lots of irritations and things to make me feel impatient.  The love life was quiet this week, though I am still going through one of the oddest situations I’ve encountered in my love life (no joke).  I feel like it might finally be wrapping up, and I’m happy to see it off.  And there were a bunch of unexpected housekeeping kinds of things that required maneuvering, but ended up being okay.  Basically, this week was a big mixing bowl of all the things that kind of drive me crazy.  Only it was all rather mild and not too difficult–but difficult enough to make things choppy.  Needless to say, I was really looking forward to this weekend when yesterday showed up.  While my weekends never allow me to sleep in or be particularly lazy, they are–at least–things I choose to do.

As of last night, I have an actual, rough draft plan for how to navigate the next few years of my life.  In some ways, it’s frustrating.  In other ways, it’s exciting.  But I feel like it’s doable–even if it means it’ll be a while before I’m actually doing what I want to do with my life.

This week, I found out that I can’t retake (and finally put a fork in) my final course this fall.  It’s not possible, as it turns out, so–at minimum–I have to wait till next spring.  I basically wrote most of the thesis already, so it would have been easy to finish, but you can’t force the Universe to bend to your will.  It’s a delay I’m not happy about, and it was one more push that made me wonder if I should even bother finishing.  Every time I try, it feels like Goliath stomps on me and makes it impossible.  But I have a very hard time giving up on things, especially when I’ve spent so much time and money trying to finish this damn thing.  So, I guess I will just wait till Spring.

But that doesn’t mean I’m resting up.  I’ve had a hard time figuring out where to go for therapy school and what to actually study.  I would do research, find a decent place, and then amend my plans.  That’s just silly.  So, I got pretty clear about stuff recently.  I don’t just want to be a run of the mill counselor.  I want to focus on trauma and grief.  I want to offer my clients lots of options–whether it’s private sessions, group sessions, workshops, or retreats.  I want to include nature, art, words, spirituality, and music in my work.  I want to make therapy affordable, fun, and accessible.  I don’t want to be typical.  I started all of this with an interest in alternative therapies–so why have I been looking at schools that are decent, but only offer ho-hum basic whatever?

I was hoping the Bay Area would offer me more options for schools, but I’m not in love with anything in California, education-wise.  I have a few options: I could just get licensed through a basic program and then add on things by taking training in various things over the years–eventually building up to what I want.  Or I could go for a more specialized program to begin with.  I guess I won’t know which path makes sense until I find the right school.  I know where I’d like to go to school for my doctorate, but finding that middle step–the one that gets me practicing and licensed is difficult.  There is a good choice in California, but it’s not one that is widely respected, and that–unfortunately–matters when I’m applying to things down the road.  So, I’m still unsure about that.

For this reason–and oh, so many more–I’ve decided that…as much as I really, really, really just want to start working to become a counselor…I’m not ready.  Not only am I too torn about schools and which path makes sense, but I’m also finding it difficult to make the reality of becoming a counselor financially feasible.  I’m paying for all of this out of pocket.  When I’m in internships, I’ll have to find a very flexible job I can do at night that pays well…or just not work.  Most internships are held during day hours only.  It’s not geared toward people who have responsibilities besides school.  So, to do it, I have to save a couple years worth of income or figure out how to make my current job work with this–or figure out a different job that would work with this.  My current job is flexible, but it would be very difficult to make that work, given our client meetings.

The good news, though, is that I have had a plan for this part for a little while.  I really like UX/UI and design.  I actually could see it as a career I’d be really happy in.  It would allow me to make decent money and be flexible.  And Silicon Valley is the best place to learn and start this type of career.  I’ve tried to teach myself, but I really need the structure of a program.  There are tons of programs–expensive–but doable and good for working people.  And the best part?  This is something I can use to give me freedom when I am a counselor and something I can use to add to my ability to be innovative–lots of great ideas.

So, my next step is to find a program to teach me to be a developer–learn about UX and UI–and then work in the industry for a bit while I’m in California.  At the same time, I know my counseling dreams require some pre-reqs I don’t currently have…namely, volunteer work and some courses I never took.  So, I’m going to find some places to volunteer and start taking some classes.  I’ll get to take art and psych courses.  All of this will let me experience schools in California and will satiate that need to explore and help people.  It’s gonna be expensive and take me a while, but I’m just excited to have a concrete plan that will also get me involved with my passions.

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Over the last few years, I’ve become more and more interested in alternative therapies and ideas.  I’m a bit superstitious, these days, and into a bunch of hippie dippy stuff.  Which comes as a big surprise to many of the friends I have who knew me from my time as a bio major.  I’m still that science-oriented girl, though, but there are things science can’t explain–that I’ve experienced.  So, the whole thing is pretty fascinating to me.

Dream interpretation, to me, is one of the most fascinating things ever.  I wish I knew more about it and kind of would like to take courses on it at some point.  But I don’t really remember my dreams too often.  I’m not sure why, but it’s a rare thing.  If I do remember them, they tend to be very scary or unsettling dreams.  I also dream cinematically–meaning it’s like watching a movie–but being in it at the same time.  Vivid and confusing.  Worse yet–sometimes–I’ve been able to predict the future.  Namely, right before my mother got desperately ill, I dreamt I found her dead.  It was the worst dream of my life, but it helped me prepare when she did get sick.  I had another dream that my ex was cheating on me.  A week later, he came home and broke up with me for very confusing reasons.  I don’t think I’m psychic–ha–but I am highly sensitive–so I think I have an intuition about things.  So, I take my dreams very seriously when I do remember them.

Last night, I had really happy dreams for the most part–and I actually remembered them.  I don’t think this was a recurring dream, and I think it was actually one big dream–though I remember it in vignettes (and yes, I am thinking of writing a screenplay or shorts based on these dreams so don’t even think of stealing these ideas).  😉

The first vignette was probably the bulk of my dream and really stuck with me.  I dreamt I was swinging, only the swing was attached to the sky–so I was swinging across the entire world.  It wasn’t a specific place, but I remember swinging above the trees and into clouds.  And there was just this elation–just pure joy and contentment–about being alive.  It was hands-down my most favorite dream ever.

The second vignette was more bizarre, but still pleasant.  I was in a supermarket, in the produce section, shopping for fruit.  All kinds of fruit.  I was opening all the containers and inspecting each blackberry and strawberry.  Squeezing melons and smelling limes.  It was filled with curiosity, and I was being so meticulous about the fruit I should buy.  (I’ve been obsessed with berries this past week, so maybe that factors in somehow!).

The third vignette was outside again.  I was at some kind of party in this garden with a gazebo and tons of greenery.  Lots of trees.  We were all wearing white, like in Gatsby.  I want to say this was an academic thing.  But there was this man–a writer–in the center of it all who was holding court–telling stories.  He was actually an actor from one of my favorite tv shows–but that had nothing to do with it.  The thing I remember most, though, was that this man kept checking in with everyone to make sure they were okay.  Asking if they needed anything.  Now, I definitely was fascinated with whatever he was saying, and he was definitely a love interest.

The final part of the dream was the darkest, but kind of hazy in my memory.  I dreamt I was on this main street of  a town, but it reminded me of a smaller version of South Broadway–like the antique row section where there are all those small antique shops.  The street was full of shops, some with wrought iron gates that the owners would open and close at the end of the day.  I was connected to one of these shops and was sitting outside with two men who were–as far as I could tell–gangbangers…only nice (to me).  And I was sort of witnessing things with them.  Anyway, Death would drive by in his hearse–and Death was exactly what you think of when you think of Death.  He would come to these shops and take people.  At one point, the gangbangers decided they were going to kill death so he wouldn’t take anyone else.  And that’s all I remember.

So, what do you guys think about my dream?  Tell me about yours.

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