choosing me

About a year ago, my roommate and I made the decision to move to the Bay Area.  He landed a job at what seemed like a decent, well-funded tech company and moved out to Mountain View–where he stayed in temporary housing for about 4 months until we finally signed a lease on an apartment in San Jose.

A year ago, we begin what has to be the longest move in the history of moves–and it’s not even over yet.

A year ago, things were really different.

I would say some things are better; other things are awkward and/or difficult; and life is full of transitions.  And change.  But mostly, I feel like I’m in a good place–though I really want to finally be done with all of it…and it seems like that last bit of things keeps getting pushed back–so essentially, I have one foot in California and one in Colorado–which makes it hard to really commit to anything lately.  We have one last, major crazy event to deal with before we’re finally out of Colorado completely–but it might be the most heart-rending and scary part…and it keeps getting pushed back because of our sick kitty.  It’ll happen when it needs to, and I’m grateful for the time, but man–I just want it all to be over with already.

###

When we decided to move, I started cutting back on things.  At the time, I was going to therapy pretty regularly, rolfing every month, and seeing a naturopath/acupuncturist about 2x a month.  I was also dealing with a lot of changes with my body related to health issues and really struggling with finding a diet I could live with.  It was a lot.

I finished my ten series with my rolfer around my birthday and decided to pause therapy for a bit since I had no idea when I’d be leaving at that point–and just felt like it was all a bit too much to handle with the pending move.  Money was tighter for a while–especially as I learned to budget for just me and was covering everything in Denver.  So, I started cutting back all over the place.  I didn’t see doctors about things.  I didn’t get my teeth cleaned.  I postponed getting a mole removed.  I stopped doing a lot of the self-care things I had been doing and even stopped getting haircuts.  When things were needed, I was the first one on the chopping block–as always.  It had some good outcomes, though–namely, I calmed down a lot about my diet and found affordable solutions to the what to eat question.  I got back to my roots, in many ways.  I also curbed my spending–which was a bit high at times  and ate out a lot less.

Of course, the therapy and etc was just on pause.  I expected to resume once I was in California.  But then delays happened and this year happened.  And suddenly it was several months of not taking care of myself.

And well, I’m paying for it.  I’ve been more sick this year than I have been in a while.  Constant allergies and lots of gb related issues.  I’ve had a lot of insomnia.  A lot of anxiety.  A lot of problems I just wasn’t dealing with as often when I was on the damn list.  I’ve finally decided I really need to invest in me.  No one else cut back during this time–just me–and well, that’s kind of a load of BS.  But I have no one to blame except me.

So, I’m doing therapy again soon and I made a rolfing appointment for a couple weeks from now.  And I might even find a naturopath.  I’m tired of being exhausted and ill.  And I really can’t take care of anyone if I’m never sleeping and feel like crap.

I feel like I keep learning this–even though I’ve always known this.  It feels even more important now.

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