oh, man

The last few days have been rough.  Some of it I’m not even getting into.  Because it’s just a lot.  Let’s just say I’ve been closing doors and watching them shut for me.

Fogg had a set-back this week after really encouraging news on Tuesday.  We adjusted her insulin because she was doing so much better, but then she had hyperglycemia symptoms and just was struggling.  We adjusted some more.  I freaked out.  Thursday night was rough.  I tested Fogg with the glucometer for the first time (with no training…good thing I’m a bio geek).  Her numbers were high.  I was worried we were in DKA territory, but I wasn’t sure how that worked with insulin on-board.  Her vet didn’t seem terribly concerned and was out of the office Friday–so I was especially nervous given that she had DKA symptoms in the morning.

I was also dealing with some really unfortunate family news, so my emotions were rev’d up–and I was in fix-it mode.  It was a nerve-wracking day, but then Fogg just got better.  She seemed normal by lunch and her reading confirmed it.  Her appetite picked up and she wasn’t listless anymore.

This year has just been such a cluster.  It’s been all the emotions, all the time, all at once.  Fear, joy, rage, disappointment, hurt feelings, helplessness, and just general gobbledygook.

I’m spent on pretty much every level, and I’ve worked really hard to be good to myself–though I fail because she is always my priority–and I am terrified of her relapsing.  I know this is bad.  I need to exercise more, go outside, see friends(!), and take care of my emotional self.  But I’m the only one who can take care of her now, and she really does need me to keep her stable.  This will change, of course, later this year.  But right now, I really am the most exhausted I’ve ever been.

The love stuff continues to be just–disappointing–but I feel stronger than ever there and know that I’m getting better.  I did make the executive decision to hold off on dating until I have more tools under my belt.  That decision has not been easy for me–and has been unpopular since I was actively exploring things with people.  But I know it’s the best thing for me, and I know this because it’s really showing me the light about people.  A friend once said, “I may be lonely, but I’m not that lonely yet.”  I can relate to this sentiment right now.

When I’m dealing with all these things, I really just want someone to lean on–just a tiny bit–to tell me I’ll be alright…though I already know that.  To just see how hard I’m working to keep everything going.

This whole thing has really affected my friendships.  You figure out real quick who you can count on when times are rough.  Other things factor in, too, but it’s not exactly been a great thing.

I’m hoping, while things are evening out–spending time on the internal stuff will allow me to finally find people who are capable of mutual support and bring out new sides of me that I still don’t really know.  I’m ready for some fun and adventure.  I’m hoping this summer and fall bring me lots of good surprises.  Pretty please?!

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