fickle

Today is kind of a big deal.  I’m meeting someone for the first time who is going to be pretty important to my life for its next chapter.  We’ve interacted on Facebook, of course, but have never spent any real time together.  (No–it’s NOT a love interest…ha).  It’ll be an interesting night.  (Likely somewhat awkward).  I’m not exactly sure what to expect, but I’m looking forward to welcoming a potential new friend to my inner circle.  And drinking yummy beer at a neighborhood spot I’ve wanted to visit for a while now.  I’m kind of sad I didn’t enjoy more patio time this spring.  It is one of my favorite things.

This weekend should be busy, overall, and I’m already exhausted.  I feel like going back to bed.  I was up at buttcrack, but I have to clean the apartment and get ready for tomorrow so we can be as efficient as possible.  All of this is supporting the big trip we’re taking together this summer, so it’s pretty important we get things done.  And we only have Sunday to do it.  The two of them will be here on Monday morning as well, but that’s a whirlwind, yea?  I’m also getting over some weird stomach bug.  I was so grateful for pho last night.  That stuff healed me up, and I’m almost feeling human again–though my killer allergies have decided to say hi again.  I knew they’d be back.  (In any case, there may be drunk dialing, allergy-fueled confusion in my future…though I never really drink that much).

I’m just kind of happy to have some free time again–even if does mean crazy weekends of activity for future plans.  As much as I love school and am devoted to tackling my dreams, I also really like to play and haven’t done enough of it in this life.  Something I’m determined to change for the remaining months of this year.  Of course, I’ve used up so much vacation time dealing with crap that I’m just going to have to be a weekend warrior.  Which means no international trips this year.  But I’m thinking Thailand and Vietnam next year.  It’s time, yea?  I haven’t done much travel in the last year, and I’m raring to go somewhere.  This summer will be good for me, for just that reason.  But, of course, I’m super nervous.  Since I’ll be traveling cross-country with Fogg in late June, that could be another crisis point.  I’m hoping it’s not.  We’ve pushed this trip off so many times, and it needs to happen…though there really isn’t a deadline.  I just need this chapter to close.  But this year hasn’t been kind, so I wouldn’t be surprised if more nonsense is coming.  The good news?  She’s doing so well right now, and she has time to stabilize even more.  I’m hopeful.

###

Love and romance has been on my mind a lot lately, but not for good reasons.  Ha.  What felt like progress before now feels like old patterns–just reinterpreted for a more enlightened self.  It’s still the same shit.  Just with a mindful bow on it.  I couldn’t figure out why I felt the need to brake when it should have been this easy thing.  But now I think it’s because I was subconsciously recognizing my own malfunctioning heart.  And that’s why I’ve been so hesitant to really go there when I’ve found a meaningful connection.  The crap from earlier this year likely triggered it hard-core.  And as usual, I was sort of blindsided by it–after thinking maybe I had gotten past my normal bullshit.

I feel like maybe that will be my focus for my next leg of therapy, and maybe, I need to just let everything cool off for a while until I have a better sense of it.  But feelings are hard and getting the timing right is nearly impossible–so it’s not easy to close doors when they could stay closed.  I’m certainly not good at it.  Especially given how impulsive I can be.  But I suppose I have to draw on my most compassionate self.  Why hurt yourself and someone else while you’re figuring it out?

In any case, I’m seeing my old therapist until the big trip and then will be switching to a bright and shiny new one.  I think I finally found one I don’t hate, but it means I’ll be spending a lot of time in the city.  I don’t mind, but that probably means I need to figure out public transit or get very okay with sitting in traffic.  Not a strength, I’ll admit.

To elaborate: my heart is very fickle right now.  Non-attached, as I mentioned before–for sure.  But maybe not in as healthy a way as I was deluded enough to think.  It threw me for a loop because I was feeling so balanced about love for such a long time.  I’m not really one to hesitate when I find someone I feel things for.  But I did.  Full stop, even when it meant I might lose them.  And then it made me question all of it.  What was appropriate?  What was I actually feeling?  What did they feel?  The hot and cold crap I complain about with other people?  I’m guilty of it too, in this instance.  And I hate that so much.

I wonder if it’s not my love avoidant/love addict crap showing up because it feels like that.  When we looked at that before, I was moderate on it–but maybe it’s dependent on triggers that weren’t present in the past.  All I know?  I have clear patterns–ones I usually overcome–but they’re always there.  When someone is into me, I tend to be a brick wall for at least a little while…till I feel safe.  And I tend to be most attracted to people who are unattainable or unavailable emotionally.  And then I win them over–or they win me over–only there is no winning in that.  The healthy parts of me intuitively know it’s happening and then I feel this deep hesitation.  Mostly because I recognize that in myself.  And the people I love tend to be people with similar issues.  So it’s almost always a big mess.  I don’t want to drag some innocent person into the confusing mess of my heart until I understand it better and can be a healthy person about it.

Right now, my heart just isn’t in it enough–isn’t ready–to let someone in.  Not really.  It can pretend it is and be convincing.  But at my core, I know it’s not.  Which sucks.  Just because I want all of that.  But there is much work to do.  That’s clear.

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