mettlehead

2016 has been a rough year–full of things I never saw coming.  Lots of gut checks.  Lots of doubts.  Crazy amounts of fear.  And a whole lot of exactly what I needed.  Eventually.

It’s like the Universe was testing me–wanting to know if I was serious.  If I really wanted this.  And I had to show how much I did.  I had to show up.

Some things were postponed.  Some things faded away.  But the core things?  The things with staying power?  They came easily and without any fanfare.  As one door closed, other doors opened where–in the past–it would have been nailed shut.

The only difference, really, has been me.  I’ve listened to my intuition.  I’ve allowed others to choose things for themselves instead of fighting to convince them that my way was the best way.  I had patience, with myself and others, and gave myself space to feel and think and be.  I’ve extended olive branches.  I’ve shown people who I am, and while some things were disappointing and just not right–I didn’t just try to do what everyone else wanted and dishonor who I was…even though I really wanted to and it would have been so easy to do that.  I didn’t lose myself.  And the things that were mine didn’t disappear.

I hope these doors that just closed don’t stay closed.  That’s just me.  I want everything to work out.  I want all these things to be mere blips and for the connections I’ve found to be more than silly afterthoughts of a rough, confusing first quarter of 2016.

But that’s really not my call.  All I can do is stay open and let the things that need to find me show up for me.  And keep showing up for myself and the ones who’ve earned the right to be here.

I’m feeling fairly emotionally healthy these days, which is an odd thing to say–especially since I’m resuming therapy soon.  But, maybe, this time?  I can really dig into the things that scare me and not just the things that paralyze me.  I feel light and free in ways I haven’t in a long time.  Non-attachment is an interesting thing.

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