today was hard.

On the plus side, giving injections? No big deal. I’m a pro.

On the negative side: DKA is a fucking horrible thing.  And it’s never really over.  I learned this today.

My old normal is not happening anymore.  I have to adjust. And basically, that means I have to be last…often…because I’m it, and she can’t adjust for me.

It’s exhausting, and I need a break.

I need a day when I’m not rushing my cat to a hospital or vet.

Today was not that day.

I’m hoping tomorrow is.

But what sucks more is the people who should be here to make these days easier who just aren’t.  And well, I could make excuses for them. I could be understanding.  I could be so many things.  But, honestly?  I don’t have it to give anymore.

So, I’m adjusting that too.  I get it.  I’ve gotten the hint.  Have gotten it for quite a while and chose to ignore it.  Chose to not be hurt by it, although it still hurt me.

If you call yourself a friend or even an acquaintance–if you say you want this or that from me–you should have reached out.  I shouldn’t have had to reach out or update you or kept you in the loop.  A simple “how are you?” would have been enough.  But that was too much for far too many of my so-called friends.

Am I pissed?

Yes.

At myself.

But it’s instructive.  Another interesting detour.

I believe people attract who they are.  And who I am is someone who doesn’t value herself.  And so, I have many people in my life who just don’t value me.

So, in an effort to stop the nonsense, I’m going to stop giving those people my time and energy.  I’m going to start opening myself up to different kinds of people.  Like the random strangers I’ve met this week who kept me going when lifelong friends were nowhere to be found.

There are hard feelings, be clear on that.  But I’m not giving my energy to them.  I’m accepting their existence and moving on.  And distancing myself.

I’m done being there for people who have never been there for me, or are there for me in ways that require me to make excuses to accept it.

I’d rather be alone than with people who make me lonely–who make me wish I really was alone.

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