man chaser

I have a type.  It’s actually almost ridiculous.  Dark hair.  Interesting eyes.  Skinny.  Not overly tall.  Smart.  Creative.  Funny.  And stubborn as all get out.

Oh, and patient.  Very patient.  Until they’re not.  Ha.

I often go for writers.  It’s a thing.  And guys obsessed with music.  Or art.  Sometimes, all of the above.

That’s who I like.

What I need is slightly different.

I need a guy who will stand up to me.  Who sees right through my BS and tells me so.  I need a guy who is consistently vulnerable and in it–who doesn’t make me wonder how he feels about me.  I need a guy who can take a girl with strong opinions.  A guy who is pretty damn secure and doesn’t need a lot of reassurance.  Who can keep up with me.

These things I’ve learned the hard way.

I try really hard to be the best person I can be, but sometimes, I get bogged down by my life.  My life, even when it’s good, is difficult in ways a lot of people don’t understand.  They may get it intellectually, but unless you’ve lost both your parents?  You can’t really get it.  I don’t get caught in the grief net often these days, but when I do, I can drown easily.  So, I need someone to talk sense into me sometimes–who will recognize when I’m going down that path–and pull me back.  Who will fight with me because I’m a stubborn girl.  Especially when I’m hurting.  I can get caught up in my thoughts and feelings–stuck.  I can hermit myself away too much.  So I need someone to inspire me.  To tolerate my crazy Alma logic and spin it in a way that can help me see something else.  Someone who won’t judge me for being me–for not being logical–for thinking differently–who can listen to my endless stories and wait for them to make sense.

I can’t stand hot and cold.  I want the guy who can be my rock.  Who evolves with me.  Who asks instead of assumes.  Who always believes I’m innocent and well-intentioned even when I’m ornery and angry.  I need the guy who doesn’t need me to tell him how wonderful he is 24/7 because–even though I probably believe it–I don’t always tell people things.  I show them and hope they know.  But, if they need it, they’ll ask me because they trust that I won’t withhold whatever they need if it doesn’t take too much from me.  The guy who awes me with his mind and his capacity to love me and makes me want to keep up with him.

Okay–okay–it’s a tall order, I know…but that guy must be out there somewhere, right?

###

I think I’m different.  I’m attracted to different guys than more normal lately (in a way)–guys that I wouldn’t normally even consider–and not because I’m settling–but mostly because they challenged my normal idea of attractive.  I’m a bit more open-minded than I usually am.

And can I say that the volume’s been turned up?

I mean–I’ve always been involved with pretty brilliant people, but lately it’s a whole new level.  These are people who are doing things and they matter.  It’s pretty cool.

And also a bit intimidating.

Maybe that’s why I’m not in the place where I usually go when I meet people I actually want to get to know.  I’m not putting the brakes on things so much as I’m not in a hurry.  I let things unfold as they will, and I’m vulnerable and loving about it.  But, at the same time, despite liking the people in my company–it’s not on a fast track to monogamy-ville.  And the thing is–I’m not feeling all that exclusive.  I actually could see myself doing the open relationship thing.  I crave intimacy and definitely want an exclusive relationship, but I’m not sure if this is right for what is right now.  So, I’m not exactly sure of what to do.  And it’s confusing because I’ve always been super monogamous because I really have only ever had feelings for one person at a time.

(And as crazy as this sounds–I kinda understand my cheating exes and that last guy who I’ve since unfriended–which makes me feel bad because I sorta get it now).

I don’t know if this is good or bad or just me evolving to something different.  But I also do know that, as great as these things are–I am still unsure about the long-term.  And I am still struggling with figuring out my own issues when it comes to who I’m attracted to.

So, a while ago, I met someone who is pretty much the guy I would have gone googly over and instantly fallen for years ago.  He is a pain in the ass.  Smarter than me, probably.  Or at least, differently.  Layered.  Substantial.  A decidedly good man.  Strong-willed.  Insistent and a bit controlling.  Not a writer–an artist and an inventor and a scientist.  Romantic and passionate.  With the most contagious smile that lights me up.  I discovered these things quickly.  In one night, actually.  Before then, I thought he was this evasive goof and found him intriguing, but actually kind of annoying.  He was unpredictable.  And I didn’t like it too much.  But, of course, I was curious.  And then I sorta found myself talking to this guy who was a lot like me.  Scarily like me.  Who opened up so beautifully–in a way I can tell he normally doesn’t.  It made me care a lot about him–and obsess about him–but then there was this hot and cold dance that happened…mostly because I didn’t do what he wanted.  I actually was planning to do what he wanted, but I have a life too and can’t just drop everything.  And well, this dude gets sullen when he doesn’t get his way.  And he’s jealous and kind of insulting at times.  He seemed convinced I was a player (which–haha–I’ve never laughed harder).  The sad part is–had he not been like this–I probably wouldn’t have kept looking for others.  I would have done what I normally do–and focused on him–and been miserable for it.  But it became this tug of war, and I felt like he was punishing me–being manipulative and trying to prove a point–disappearing–but then reappearing to fight with me and win me over again.  And well, it pushed me away.  And man, I knew why he was doing it–because I’ve done it–but it’s maddening dealing with the things you’ve done yourself your whole life–especially when you’re not that person anymore.

Sigh.  The pattern reminded me so much of my exes, too–because I think we attract ourselves, often.  Especially when there’s that kind of connection.  So much of all the crap I didn’t want.  And well, in the past, it would have confused me but also hooked me.  Because that connection is intoxicating and real.  This time?  Not so much.  I tried to tell him what I needed, and I didn’t seem to matter, so the connection that was still there felt dishonored.  So, I’ve been distancing myself on purpose.  I basically recognized unhealthy crap, and I’m not that girl anymore.  If it’s this much of a rollercoaster this early?  Um–maybe not.

That said–I do have feelings for him–and if he stopped this pattern–I’d definitely see where it went and might commit to it.  But because of this early whatever, I am a bit hesitant and not trusting.

Since things cooled with him, I met someone else.  Believe me, I was not really going there.  I was only looking at OKStupid to answer longer messages–politely–not really wanting to engage anyone.  But then someone messaged me who is totally not what I’m used to.  I didn’t even start talking to him out of some attraction thing so much as he asked me a cool question and I could instantly see a friendship evolving there.  He wasn’t an immediate love match for me.  Though he was definitely my type–but not in my typical way.  Oddly, the other guy was less my type in some ways, but straight up “soulmate”material (hence that damn connection)–which surprised me because I just didn’t really think that was possible.  This guy, on the other hand, is more of an example of a slow burn kind of thing–you know–that guy who is your great friend who just kind of comes out of nowhere and bonks you over the head.  We are very alike in sometimes scary ways, and he’s super nice and easy to talk to.  He’s not one to push, but he isn’t a pushover.  There are feelings there and attraction there…but oddly…not as much depth as the other guy.  It’s lighter.  There’s tons of space to breathe–maybe too much.  I just feel like, as close as we sometimes are, he keeps me at a distance. The ways we’re different are pretty jarring and not as compatible.  Where the other guy went straight for all the hard things, this guys stays in shallow water, mostly.  And it bothers me.  As pleasant as our talks are, and as interesting as he is, things stay at an intellectual level whereas the other guy and I connected at a heart level.  It’s perplexing.  Sometimes, I wonder if this is healthy and if it bothers me because there are still parts of me that really are attracted to things that hurt me.

So, right now, I feel like my head is in one place and my heart is in another.  But they’re both kinda wrong, and they’re both kinda right.  It’s made me back off on both of them.  Sort of in a wait and see what happens way–not closing a door, but not propping it open either.

I don’t like this in-between.  I like knowing what feels right and surrendering to that rightness.  As lovely as the whole courting/getting to know you phase is, it’s also emotionally aggravating and tough to figure out.  But honestly, I’m not sure.  The funny thing is that either one could become the exact right thing with some adjusting.  I’m just not sure how to ask for it or how to adjust myself.

I’m not exactly known for my patience.  Ha. I guess I’m just grateful for the opportunity to figure it out.

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