gut checks and beliefs

Y’all, I am exhausted and exuberant tonight.  I just finished my latest leg in my adventures in thesis Hell.  It feels good.  I am starving (didn’t eat today) and had a mild breakdown earlier, but I made it with an hour to spare and am in a good place at the moment.

I don’t know what it is about writing this thing, but it makes me question everything about myself.  If I’m smart.  If I have anything to say.  If my topic’s meaningful and worth anything.  I want to give up about fifty times a day, and I talk myself down from the ledge each and every time.  I have no idea how I’m going to get it all done and live the rest of my life.

I’ve chosen to just get through those moments.  To just get through today.  It doesn’t always work, but it’s better than quitting.

Today, my life raft came from my adviser who told me, “A magnifying glass is NOT a pair of binoculars.”

And then she told me my thesis was the most interesting topic she’s seen in the program and that it’s ambitious.

I really needed that.

It let me get through tonight and actually write something I’m proud of.  Tomorrow, I might be able to sleep in.


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