invaders

I just finished up another round of antibiotics, which actually seemed to work at first.  I think the bacterial infection is gone, but I’m still a snot monster–though my head no longer feels like it’s going to implode.

The problem is that I have asthma and severe seasonal allergies.  Normally, my seasonal allergies go away as soon as it gets cold.  And then, I get colds.  Welp, not this year.  It’s been pretty cold.  Which leads me to suspect I’ve developed indoor allergies–or have had a cold for over a month.  I’m leaning toward indoor allergies since our bathroom definitely has a mold problem–which bleach gets rid of temporarily–and the dust from packing is probably a big factor (more reasons to purge).  I’m a fairly healthy person, other than my stupid thyroid condition, but I do have adrenal fatigue–so I get rundown easily between these two issues.  I do all kinds of crap to build my immune system, so I’m just kind of frustrated that I’m still sick.  Mostly because I’ve been on this ride before.  Basically, I continue sneezing and wheezing till I get pneumonia and that triggers an asthma attack and off to the ER I go–to be given more meds and maybe Prednisone (which I adore–truly–but is not a fun drug for your body…though very effective at telling my body to STFU when it’s allergic to everything).

So, yea…fun times.  But–wait–it gets better!  Today, I woke up with my eyes swollen and glued shut.  This despite taking Benedryl and Antronex last night because I was feeling horrible.   And my ears are itchy.  So, I’m  suspecting I now have an ear infection AND an eye infection along with the worst head cold symptoms ever.

I put a warm washcloth on my eye, washed my eyes with soap (yay, fun), and gently pried them open.  Then  doused them in Visine and a holistic eye droppy thing.  Then took allergy meds and put in an order for grapefruit seed extract nasal spray & drops along with some eyebright capsules.  Because: go away now.

SIGH.

###

So, without going into a lot of detail–after all of this–I ended up doing something I normally wouldn’t do.  And ended up finding out something I wouldn’t have found out about had I not being doing the thing I normally wouldn’t do.  I feel fine about what I did because I was acting transparently–and the whole thing was pretty innocent on my part.  But the thing I found out about wasn’t so innocent and points to a pattern with this person that really kind of erodes trust.   It’s something I feel needs to be addressed–but I’m not sure how to address it in a way that doesn’t inflame the situation…given what I did.

The crappy part about it is the thing itself is not a big deal.  It’s the cover-up that was involved in it and the past pattern.  That’s the big deal.

It’s odd because this person knows me very well and knows that I HATE lies of omission probably more than I hate big lies.  Lies of omission are usually about smaller things that the person might be annoyed by or concerned about but that really don’t matter.  For me, they’re especially damaging because–if you’re lying about these small things–what big shit are you hiding?  I have trust issues, so knowing that this person routinely lies about things that they shouldn’t need to lie about makes it really really hard to trust them.  And trusting them is kind of a big deal  right now.

I’ve noticed men do this a lot.  Almost every man I’ve known has done it, and it has really wrecked things.  I usually forgive people for these things, but I never fully trust them again.  It’s upsetting.

I texted my ex to see what he thought about it.  And of course, being the avoider that he is, he recommended pretending I didn’t see it.  So, my thought to do the exact opposite of what he recommended was the right decision!  (Ha…it’s sad that, when it comes to relating, I have the do what he wouldn’t do rule of thumb at the ready).  Of course, him being him, he didn’t really see what the problem was to begin with.  And he also didn’t see why being honest about the whole thing was kind of necessary for me.  Which, of course, makes me also trust him less and less.

I know white lies happen all the time.  And I’ll admit I’ve kept things from people and told white lies myself when I was younger.  But I learned pretty quickly that these things create problems and distance–just by existing.  The person may not know–and may never know–but you do.  It changes how you are.  It makes bigger lies easier.  It’s just not worth it.  And let me tell you, even before I found this thing, I knew.  I’m an intuitive person.  I know when people are off.  The fact that this exists just confirms the things that happened with us recently were part of a larger problem.  And that’s exactly why I have to say something.

It won’t wreck our relationship, but it confirms to me that this person isn’t someone who needs to be in my inner circle right now–which has been the way our relationship has been evolving anyway.  I need to have people around me who have my back, tell the truth, and don’t decide for me.  Right now, I feel like those people don’t exist in my world.  So, there’s work to do.  Which isn’t surprising, but is a bit disappointing.  Luckily, I have had a plan in place for a while for changing the footprint of my friendships.  It’s not like this came out of the blue.

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