grounding

Today, at work, we elected benefits for the new year.  We had three options for medical and two for dental and a bunch of stuff we just kind of get and say yes to–if we want them.

After sitting in on the very long presentation, my brain was spinning and my inner INFP took over in option mode.  Oh, Lord.

I was debating between two medical plans–polar opposites of each other.  The middle one was an immediate nope.

The problem with being an INFP is that I tend to see the possibilities in all scenarios.  Which either makes all options reasonable or completely awful.  I wasn’t really a fan of either, but if I had to choose one–well, I kept flip flopping.

I eventually declared, “I need a nerd brain!”

And so, I texted my most practical friend–my most recent ex (who I was and am kind of mad at–though he doesn’t know).  And so, we talked about things.  Mostly work and then benefits.

As a Canadian, he thinks our country is weird.  He declared immediately that HSAs are stupid.  That the middle plan was all the bad things and none of the good things.

I’d been favoring the low deductible, non-HSA, $20 more per month comprehensive plan with no co-insurance.  And he agreed.  Apparently, I AM practical.

Afterwards, I let my roomie know I elected benes and told him I made a decision–which he was surprised about.  I told him I consulted my resident geek.  He was a little offended that he is not my resident geek, and I told him that was a good thing since I require resident geeks to be very practical and he’s way too exciting to be that practical.

He then tried to guess who my resident geek was–and guessed every guy friend I had–except the ex.  I realized that my ex is really the only super practical–verging on accountant-level practical–person I know.  But compared to me, they are all way more practical.  Haha.

The funny part about this thought process was that he thought I was the most practical person in his inner circle.

WHAT?

“Yea, you’re like all detailed and shit.”

It made me think about stuff.

Living with someone who is kind of a space cadet and forgets everything all the time, I’ve sort of had to be the responsible one.  I’ve been the one handling the bills and making sure he’s remembering things.  It’s a role I don’t enjoy–but that I’ll step into if I have to.

Like today, I was volunteered to lead a big audit project for our marketing team…only no one did it correctly, so I’m having to do very detailed, data-heavy work.  I got volunteered because I’m known for being meticulous.  At work, I am.  I am kind of a machine when it comes to process.

In any case, it made me think about who I am and what other people perceive me as.

I think work me and getting things done me is very much that meticulous, responsible, perfectionist person I was as a kid.  The goal girl.  I think, when I have to be like that, my personality swings toward I/ENFJ.  I’ve actually tested that way during really stressful times in my life.  But I think just being me, I’m much more head in the clouds, can’t be bothered with pinning crap down Alma.  I tend to be more spontaneous and a lot more open-minded.  I think most of my exes and good friends who aren’t flaky (ha) know me as being more of the creative, hippie, weirdo that I think is more who I am when no one’s looking.

I tend to be attracted to people who are creative, but smart–anchored in their own goals and can be counted on.  They’re reliable.  I think this may have been a key reason my roomie & I didn’t work out.  We’re a little too alike that way.  He has a good heart and means to do things, but often needs reminding and support.  I don’t need as much of that, but being reliable is a major source of stress for me.  It’s like when that happens, it turns on my inner perfectionist, and it’s harder for me to be myself.

Of course, the perfectionist is me.  But it’s an unhealthy me.  I’m still learning how to minimize the bad parts of that side of me and turn it around to be less energetically taxing.  I have gotten much better at relaxing this year.  My job is still demanding and busy, but it’s not anything like it was.  I feel much less stress about work.  I never cry about work like I used to.  I’m not angry like I used to be.

I think the reason I miss being in a relationship so much is because I’m usually most me when I’m in love with someone.  It brings out my childlike qualities to show vulnerability.  I don’t have to be superwoman.  I operate by Alma Logic.  I don’t have to fix everything.  I can lean into someone and let them lead for a while.  I can be silly and whimsical and fun if I want to be, which I usually do.  And I think that’s why, when things soured with my exes, they all thought I changed so drastically.  It wasn’t just me being mad.  It’s that I turned into a different person–someone who wouldn’t let them support me–someone who couldn’t be vulnerable.  I get it now.

This year away from my roomie has been nice in that I feel like I’m much less about fixing things and more interested in growing and exploring.  I feel very open and free for the first time in a long time.  I don’t feel like everything is this battle.  It’s a good thing.  Such a random tumult of thoughts. 🙂

 

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