i may be insane

So, pretty spur of the moment, I just decided to register for my final class for the degree I’ve been working on for maybe forever.  I also applied for financial aid–despite knowing I probably won’t get anything…but heck–why not try?!  I’m a risk taker.

I feel like the saga of this degree is just an ongoing nightmare.  See…I took this class last fall.  Only I didn’t finish.  I got an extension and then decided to postpone that.  I don’t have to take the class, really.  All I need to do is submit the crap to my professor and pay the fee for processing the paperwork.  But, I am insane, and decided I wanted to start with a clean slate and do it all over again.  Yup.  That means the thesis I was almost done with is being totally scrapped because I hate it and just CANNOT do it.  I had seriously thought about doing the Navajo Nation SOFE trip instead (which meets the same requirement), but it’s more expense and logistics and stress.  And once I’m in San Francisco, I don’t think I’ll want to fly back home to Denver to go on a 13 hour roadtrip three months after moving.  I’m guessing I’ll be less than enthusiastic about that idea.  And honestly, as much as I love CO/NM, I’d like to use my vacation days for a trip to somewhere awesome that I’m less familiar with.

And why am I doing all of this?

Mostly because leaving this thing unfinished is bugging me.  It likely wouldn’t have affected my MSW or PhD school apps, but who knows?  I just don’t want to regret it.  And I want to finish the damn thing.  The right way.

Now that I know where I went wrong, I can hopefully avoid the mistakes I made before and maybe have something cool to show for it.

Rather than doing something I know intimately–which basically paralyzed me before–I’m going to tackle a new topic that fascinates me–requires a lot of critical thinking–and could actually be helpful to humanity.  I might even self-publish the damn thing if it’s any good.  Again–why the Hell not?

Best–it’s actually related to my ultimate thesis, which I will be doing for PhD school.  (Yes–I AM a big ole nerd who has planned her crap out years in advance).  And it will help me stay motivated and responsible since I’m going to start researching and preparing NOW.  Yes, that’s right, I am doing it now.  For my March start date.  Because 2 months goes by in a heartbeat and I am the biggest procrastinator ever when I’m insecure.

I need this thing to be done.  I need to have something to show for all of that.  And who knows?  With that, maybe I can start working on nonprofit stuff with my current employer.  I’m sure that degree would help the sales team.

In any case, I’m scared.  No, really.  Really, really scared.  Last fall was not pretty.  I don’t want to cry, but I know I’m going to.  But I can do this.  Damnit.

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