things done & undone

I feel like I have a million things I want to write about for this blog, but I usually end up getting sidetracked by life and blahblahblah.  Maybe that will change soon.  I have a list of stuff I want to say.  It’s just a matter of finding time and the inspiration to write the words.  I also need to schedule a hard core life planning/self-care day with myself soon.  I was hoping it would be this weekend, but I have my last rolfing session for my 10 series here in Denver, and my roommate will be back for a day and a half.  (I love rolfing, so I’ll be doing more of it when I’m in San Jose. I’ll be seeing a classmate of my awesome rolfer.  I’m very excited.  Who knew that Boulder was the heart of rolfing training for the entire country?).  Since my roommate has been coming out a little less frequently lately, his weekends back are not exactly fun.  They’re basically like finals week in college, only with boxes and cursing…lots and lots of cursing.

Basically, this all means that I do a lot of stuff and save some stuff that I can’t physically do–like carrying a buttload of canned goods to a charity or ridding the apartment of things that are bigger than I am–for him.  We’ve been getting along fairly well lately, so things actually get done.  Ha.  We also have to figure out dates for hiring our selected mover since my number of days off have changed and have to get a checklist together for renting crap and hiring people and doing things.  I feel woefully behind and super stressed about all of it.  Mostly because, well–December is really only a month away.  That terrifies me.  I feel like I’ve been packing forever, and while the apartment’s a total mess, it definitely doesn’t look like I’ve done all that much!  It doesn’t help that winter is coming, so our balcony crap has to be dealt with before it snows.  And it doesn’t help that we may have a mouse in the pantry–who doesn’t seem to be in there anymore–but I’m afraid to look.  So, he’ll be looking for me.  The problem, of course, is that life continues.  Normal stuff has to be done.  And just the day-to-day whatever is pretty exhausting.  So–um–I’m not looking forward to all the things I’ll be doing this weekend.  I’m trying to stay focused and disciplined.  But my bed is so comfy.

###

I didn’t really share with you guys how things went with the Canadian the other day.

Of course, I called him.  He actually bugged me about it, so he actually acted well this time.  It was a tense, odd conversation.  But not really hostile.  At that point, I was kind of indifferent and a lot less angry.  Basically, we discussed what happened for the first 10 minutes or so.  As it turns out, some of it was a misunderstanding.  Well, that’s what he said.  I believed him.  Certain things were true, but not exactly what they were presented as.  But they were true enough that the other stuff was a likely event–so I wasn’t wrong to think what I did…and he even admitted that.

Talking to him, I realized something big–which kind of dissipated most of my anger.  We have huge differences in our understanding about certain things.  Like, for example, lies of omission are big, big problems for me because of my past relationships.  He considers these details that maybe would upset me that I don’t need to know about.  Not realizing that I always prefer the truth.  I explained to him why what he did was so damaging.  And he seemed to get it.  Intellectually, sure.  But–to me–there’s always been this gap in what he actually understands from a feeling perspective.  I feel like now–he probably will tell me the truth about whatever–but only because I explicitly told him he had to if he wanted to have any kind of anything with me.  It’s a rule for him.  It isn’t something he’s doing because he understands the pain it causes.  And that lack of empathy is pretty scary to me.  But I’m not exactly surprised.  I just don’t think he operates from any kind of emotional or spiritual standpoint.

Some would say that isn’t a problem because he’s not doing it.  But it is, to me.  The why for being honest is almost as important as the actual honesty.  And it can feel like a betrayal just in that why.

In any case, I pretty much forgave him instantly–though I remained coldish throughout the conversation.  There wasn’t any pleasantries.  We basically talked about that.  I forgave him–but stated that I needed time to get over this.  That we have no romantic relationship and a friendship is there, but not strong.  There isn’t any trust.  I explained my boundaries and what I needed.  And then we talked a bit about the future.  I explained that I decided to date people, and I explained that I was not upset the relationship was over–that I wanted it to be over before this happened.  I explained why, and he agreed that things were going off the rails.  We sort of examined why.  And basically came to the conclusion that both of us were interacting in ways that weren’t appropriate for what we had.  As soon as things got more serious, we both sort of ruined it with what we thought we needed to do to maintain it.  So, really, we weren’t operating from the standpoint of just enjoying time together.  We were both in make it work mode.

So, we are not together–really–but we have decided to basically hit the reset button.  We’re going to be friends–as much as is possible now and see where it takes us without getting serious.  It doesn’t mean we can’t flirt or visit each other.  But it does mean that–until we’re both committed to being in the same city–it’s casual and just a friendship.  We’re free to date and explore other things.

This should have been something we talked about a while ago, but I don’t think either of us were ready for that kind of conversation or okay with the details.  We both were in the make it work headspace.

That said, the conversation we had changed almost everything about how I feel about everything related to love.  While some of what happened was a misunderstanding, there was a huge betrayal there nonetheless.  And while I believe he’s sorry, the trust really isn’t there anymore.  Like not at all.  And worse, all the incompatibilities and hurdles we had, always, really are apparent now.  He’s been sort of treating me with kid gloves lately, and that’s another problem.  I don’t think we’ll ever overcome these things, and I’m kind of relieved things didn’t go much further.

The thing is–I don’t really want to put all my eggs (literal or not) in one basket.  My friend’s advice is something I should have been doing a long time ago.  On the other hand, I’m well aware of how I am when I meet a cool new someone.  It’s going to test me a lot.  It feels good to be alone again, but also not.  I don’t want to be in a relationship right now, but I don’t want to be a nun either.

So, I decided to relaunch that old OKStupid account.  Which is quite odd given I’m straddling two cities.  San Francisco guys are more interesting and more my “type”–but also socially inept and stereotypically geeky.  I’m not really taking it seriously.  More like–just putting it out there–staying open.  And I’m staying open with the Canadian.  We actually had a decent convo this evening–though I felt all my edges when I was talking to him.  While I kept it light, I could feel myself wanting to say shitty things or to hurt him in some way by indicating something or other.  I’m resisting that feeling, but also acknowledging it and letting go.  He didn’t seem to notice.

Overall, I think the choices I’ve made are good ones and the decision to be casual about love is solid.  I feel much more sane and much less conflicted about everything.

Welp. Roomie just landed.  See y’all on the flip.

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