a little help

I haven’t had the best last few days.

I’ve been pissed.  Like whoa. Restless. Anxiety-ridden.  Disappointed.

I thought many, many mean thoughts.  And I really really wanted to act on them.  I maybe still do.

Later this week, it’ll be another anniversary of my Mama getting sick–a day that usually has me curled up in a fetal position–no matter how long ago it’s been.  I am definitely feeling it.

That, along with the recent news that my now two-time (ha) ex cheated on me (and maybe did it before as well) along with trying to move all my crap to San Francisco and all the work challenges that are so, so challenging…welp…not my favorite past few days.

As an INFP, I really hate conflict.  I will avoid it at almost any cost–unless it’s something that violates a closely held value.  My most closely held values are respect and loyalty–so yea…cheating is one of the things that I will go to war about.  While it’s a BIG deal to me, it’s not something that necessarily will burn a relationship to the ground.  I’ll try to resolve the conflict–but I will be raging.  For me, it’s more about the lying after.  That’s the issue.

In any case, it takes a lot out of me.  Interacting with people, in general, does–but conflict is the ultimate energy suck.  Worse?  I have PTSD.  So, when things like betrayal come up in my life, it brings up all my abandonment issues from my father and all the other guys who did similar things.  The problem with PTSD is that I get stuck in my head.  The rage I feel isn’t even about the incident–it’s about all the incidents.  I also get stuck in certain thought patterns where I literally can’t stop myself from thinking about what’s happening unless I’m majorly distracted.

Given that I was already in a mild state of depression from all the deaths this year and my Mama crap, it was the worst timing ever.  (Why are these geniuses so keenly insensitive?  Want to cheat on me?  Try February!  That’s a great time).

So yea–I’ve been aggravated.  I’ve been elsewhere, mentally, and work has been torture.  Hours and hours of just me, thinking.

I did okay this weekend.  After sending that initial text, I unblocked him because blocking seemed petty.  I’m a better person than that.  He texted the following morning wanting to know why, and I basically told him he was a liar–and didn’t elaborate.  Because I figure, if you’re lying to someone about something, you probably know.  And most girls don’t just break up because you lied about liking their hair color.  Especially since I ended all contact–not just the relationship.  Sunday night, I deleted all his contact info and every email we’d ever exchanged.  I was done.

I didn’t hear back from him until yesterday–when I was at work and busy.  I started my day off with a barrage of angry texts from him–with his only defense being he couldn’t be a liar because I thought he wasn’t a month ago.  Um?  Are the schools good in Canada?  Because yea.

The more he avoided and denied and acted like I had done him wrong, the more angry I got.  I basically told him to fuck off.  But not like that.  In a much more classy way.  Because I can tell you to go to Hell with a smile on my face.

I went about my day–totally distracted and fuming.  At the end of the day, I texted a couple guy friends.  I was thinking about texting him and seeing if he wanted to talk.  Guy friend #1 said absolutely not.  Guy friend #2 knew I probably needed to and said I should.  I explained to both that I didn’t want to fix anything.  The relationship was done.  The friendship was done.  But I didn’t want it to be dirty.  I didn’t want it to be over via text.  I wanted to say it to his face.  I wanted to let him know exactly why.  Especially since he has a way of rewriting history.  It was important that he know that he didn’t get away with it.  That I’m a real person with real feelings and he stepped on them.  And it sucked. And what he did sucks and has repercussions.  That he wasn’t just going to get by with a shitty text conversation and go on his merry, cheating way.

So, I went to text him that I wanted to talk. But discovered I had no contact info.  And then began some mad research on recovering crap–that didn’t work.  So, I checked my Sprint call log.  Voila.  I texted.

###

Then I talked to one of my oldest guy friends, who made me cry when this all started because he was decidedly NOT being my friend.  (What is it with me talking to old love interests when current love interests go splat?  At least I wasn’t crying on the mall like last time).

I should back it up here.  I have this friend I’ve know forever.  We have always had really bad timing.  Every time he’s single, I’m not.  Every time I’m single, he’s not.  We had a brief thing prior to one of my major relationships, but we ended up fighting big time and then I got involved with one of my exes (that he hated and warned me about).  We were estranged for a while and then became friends and then weren’t friends because he kept pushing me to be in something when I was with my latest ex.  And then we had a lot of hard feelings and not talking.  We now have an uneasy friendship, but he is still–probably–in love with me…despite having a girlfriend.  In any case, he has not been happy with her, and has been pushing her to be in an open relationship.  I’ve stayed away because I’m not into swinging, and he definitely has pressured me into thinking about it.  He’s still a great friend who I love dearly.  And honestly, I probably should have ended up with him (we both agree on that).  And he’s said I’d be the only person he could be in a closed relationship with.  But he’s with her, and I’m not into that–so nope.  However, that doesn’t stop him from trying.  So, that conversation was just frustrating.  And I cried.

I think it was good, though, because it set new boundaries and put that part of our friendship to bed.  Basically–I told him I would consider it if he was ever single–but until then, he’s my friend.  Nothing more.  So, last night, he was my friend.  We are very similar people, at our core–coming from similar backgrounds and having similar views about life.  He gets me, at a heart level, and has talked me down from so many ledges.  He’s been there for me when my ex definitely wasn’t–when I decided to change my entire life and basically give up a dream.  He’s got my back and tells me when I’m full of shit.

It was a good conversation.  He gave me some good perspective.  He told me I was beating myself up (never realized it till he said it).  Made me cry because man–he’s good.  And basically told me I’m in this situation because I let stupid people drive and I have wishy washy boundaries.  And this is teaching me to have better ones and to get what I want.

The conversation made me realize that–huh–I know the kind of guy I want…but I don’t have any idea about what I want relationship wise.  I sort of just decide to date and end up with the first person that says hi.  And then they define everything while I just kind of go along with it.

The big thing here is that–I never have fun in my relationships.  I was looking at this last one–and holy crap–all the things I complained about came from that guy.  I never complained much about anything else.  But him?  Almost daily bitchiness.  And all valid.  Not me being unreasonable–no, really, I gave myself the business.

I don’t date.  I relationship. Before they’ve earned the right.  Before anyone can really be themselves or be happy.  No wonder these things suck.  It’s too much and not enough at the same time.

My friend said, “You need to date a lot of people.  If one is decent, then you can date exclusively.  But no relationships for 3 months, at least!”  He also said I need a guy who will stand up to me, but who will also let me lean on me.  Not some emotionally empty idiot who can’t even admit the truth.

The funny thing is–the whole casual dating thing is what I planned to do when my ex showed up again.  See…I was open to love again and boom.  So, now, I’m taking a break till San Francisco.  And then, I’ll be open to dating.  But I’m going to do some more work on me to figure myself out first.  And mostly, dating is not going to be a priority.  Being happy is.

He’s a good egg.  But damnit, WHY isn’t he single?

###

The text went unanswered.  So, either my was still mad…was with the other chick…or I got the number wrong.  I went with 1 and 2.  I decided to email him before I went to bed–because he wasn’t going to dictate my peace.  I basically told him why I called him a liar.  I wasn’t accusatory or hateful.  I was very calm.  I even said I’d be open to a friendship–one day–if he told me the truth.  Clearly, a relationship was done forever. But maybe we could be acquaintances if he didn’t continue to be a scumbag.

I wrote it in such a way that–if he never responded–I would be clean.  And I felt okay.

Until this morning.  When still…nothing.

It was a rough work morning.  And despite knowing in my heart I was just fine…I decided to call him.  Because I am a little crazy.  He wasn’t going to be a coward.

Yea.  I was aggravated from work.

So, I called.  He answered.  Claimed he never got the email or text.  Calm.  Polite.  Quite Canadian.  He agreed to talk later and to read the email before we talk.  He was sheepish and I could hear shame in his voice.  It made me smile.

I don’t want to talk anymore.  I kind of want to blow him off.  Knowing him, he probably will avoid it.  But I am a woman of my word.  Mostly.

I still hate him, for the record.  I don’t think I need whatever that conversation offers.  But I’ll call because I am a person of integrity, and I kind of want him to know I’m not broken.

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