closure

This morning, I sent a one sentence text to the Canadian wherein I quickly said this thing we’re doing is over.  I then deleted all our text conversations from my phone and blocked his phone number.

For weeks, I’ve been in turmoil about our relationship.  Just when I’d think I was clear about it, something would feel different and send me in the other direction.  I eventually opted to maintain status quo and give it a chance.  This was the pattern of our prior relationship too.  Me, feeling guilty for not feeling more–or for being angry.  Me, worried I’d hurt him.  I kept it to myself mostly–for months–and picked fights-which caused it to eventually end–with me being incredibly pissed at him for a long time.

This time, I thought it was different.  That we’d both grown up.  That we might have a chance to make it work.  But the more I learned about him, the more I realized how mismatched we truly are.  The more I found myself angry about things.  The more we disconnected.

But there was still something there.  Even though I KNEW it wasn’t right.

A few days ago, it started feeling more and more and more wrong.  I found myself abruptly ending conversations with him or just avoiding him altogether because the effort to be with him was too aggravating.

I’ve felt like something was off for a while now.  And it wasn’t me.  I’ve had a lot of conversations with him about how I felt.  So many conversations.  Too many conversations.  And yet, nothing ever resolved.  Our connection was dissipating as fast as Comcast’s daily outage.

Last night, I found out he’s been lying to me about a pretty major thing–since we started talking again.  And that major thing culminated this week–and was probably the source of all his weirdness–and he neglected to mention any of it.  The fact that a third party told me was aggravating.  To me, what he did–is doing now–is cheating.  The fact that he knows my exes have done similar things to me makes it worse.  But, honestly, I was going to end this before I knew.  The difference is–before–I was going to stay his friend.  Now, I’m never speaking to him again.  Ever.  I’m done.

I’m not hurt by it.  I’m not stunned by it.  I knew I couldn’t trust him–felt it deep in my bones.  I have a spidey sense for these things now.  It just helped me feel better about it, I guess–oddly–because I KNEW he was off.  I knew it wasn’t my issues and me imagining it.  I knew it.  And I let him convince me otherwise.

So, I’m not mad about the cheating.  I’m mad about the lying and the disrespect.  I’m mad that he is too chickenshit to even respond to the text.  And honestly, I’m mad I even showed the courtesy of texting him–to let him know–because…despite his absolute idiocy…I’m still not the person who just disappears.

He didn’t deserve the courtesy text.  Last night, I wasn’t going to send it.  But–in the end–I sent it for me.  To remind myself I am not the kind of asshole who does the things guys have done to me.

It’s telling that I’m really just barely angry–not at all sad.  I don’t miss him.  I don’t feel beside myself.  I am not devastated.

He’s just some shitty liar I misjudged as good and decent.  Not the first time I’ve made that mistake.  Probably not the last.

I’m happy it’s done now.  I’m happy this happened because I have felt so torn over him.  About being the mean person who doesn’t want to be with him.  So I guess–thanks for giving me that one courtesy so I never have to feel bad about texting him a break-up.  I never have to see him again.  I never have to put up with his utter idiocy again.

I guess–as mad as I am–I’m more grateful.  Thank you for not being more than a pause in my life.  You’ve wasted far too much of my time already.

###

The other day, I made a decision.  When I’m 40–in three very short years–I’m going to try to have a kid.  I may have it the normal way.  I may adopt.  I may be married, in a relationship, or single.  I don’t care.  I’m doing it.  I’m doing all of it.  All the things that make me happy.  I’m done waiting for the perfect scenario.  I’m done waiting for the conditions to be fulfilled.

I’m done wasting time on bullshit that is a waste of time.

In years past, I would have probably taken a break from dating.  Nope.  Not this time.  It’s just another blip.

There is nothing wrong with me.  There is definitely plenty wrong with them.  And I’m not allowing the past to keep me stuck in their bullshit.

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