you’re not crazy

I’m not sure when I stopped trusting myself. Did I ever trust myself?

It’s odd.  I have a really good intuition about people.  With most things, I trust my intuition implicitly.  But I’ve been waffling a lot lately–only to stay the course in most cases–though being full of doubts.  I feel like I used to have more confidence in my own opinion–in my ability to assess my own needs–to size up people with my gut.

Lately, I can’t tell if my gut is telling me the truth or if I’m just terrified–wanting to bolt.  That seems particularly true for big, life-changing decisions–especially those related to romance.

I’ve had mixed results with that, in the past, so I guess it makes sense.  In most cases where I was betrayed, it was by someone I totally trusted who totally broke my trust over things I didn’t really care about.  Which made it worse–to lie about things that didn’t matter…or wouldn’t have mattered…but then did because they were withheld or covered up.  I guess it made me rethink my competency to judge character.

I’ve always been told I’m too nice–too forgiving–too open.  And when crossed, I am then too mistrustful.  But I instantly forgive, though I never forget.  Almost every time I’ve been betrayed, some part of me knew it was a lie–and let myself be lied to.  Chose to accept it and not question.  Or questioned and chose to believe more lies.  I want to believe people are good.  I really do.  I mostly do believe that.  But I don’t believe people will care for me more than they care for themselves–and that tends to be where lies come in.

Today, I mentioned the situation I’m in now to a friend.  How things get better and then I feel bad about them again–which is totally happening right now.  There’s something not right, and I can feel it.  I keep thinking the whole taking a step back thing was a good idea.  But maybe it promotes this feeling.  In any case, she said something to me that stuck: “You’re not crazy.  You know what feels good and what doesn’t.  Don’t let him paint your fence shit brown and tell you it’s pink.”

I should trust myself.  I know this.  But part of me also knows how sneaky the gremlins can be.  How easy it is to push people away because of your own crap.  It’s not fair to them or me.

I’m not really a take it as it comes kind of person, but I guess that’s what I need to do.  I don’t want to withhold, but maybe I should.  Maybe I should look elsewhere and stop being a one-option girl.

(I don’t like any of this.  Maybe alone is better).

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