Yesterday was good. I’m starting to see the potential of this spaciousness thing even more. As an introvert, I see it as a kind of detoxing. Don’t get me wrong–my lazy day will probably, eventually, include people–but I’m being fairly selective about the people I invite. I noticed it was so nice to be away from the drone of society. I didn’t read news. I wasn’t on social much. I didn’t interact. I need to do this more, and especially cut out social. I’m realizing more how much it drains me–and this is exactly why I’m always breaking up with it! Like work, it’s a necessary part of my life, but I need times when it’s not there.
Speaking of detoxes–my liver seems to be in overdrive. And it’s hurting. Man, oh man. The last time it hurt this bad, they almost admitted me to the hospital for my asthma. I’m not surprised. I seem to get the worst allergies in the fall. I’m going back on my liver herbs today.
And speaking of breakups…
Yesterday was a good thing for me to get some clarity about that not-a-relationship thing I’m in. As much as I like my ex, I keep running into red flags (with him AND me). I keep having these feelings that make me want to bolt.
- The biggest red flag to me is this idea that we’re not in a relationship when we clearly ARE. I don’t call people multiple times a week. When they’re in Macedonia for a month. Albeit, yes–Facetime makes that possible–but I’m not a phone talker. I do it all day for work, and it’s work for me. So, you have to be pretty important to me to get that time. So, there’s that and then all the other things that have been said and done. This is not casual. So why does he insist on it BEING casual? To me, it says he’s afraid of whatever this is. Probably with good reason. But it’s putting a wrench in things.
I don’t casually date. I never have. The reason I’ve been single for so long, sometimes, has been because I won’t even agree to dates unless I’m sure this person has staying power potential. I’m just not going to waste my time. Dating is exhausting to me. It’s probably the reason I’ve also jumped into relationships. But it wouldn’t have made a difference if I waited or not. I was sure. When I date someone, it’s because I want more. When I’m in a relationship, I’m in it. It’s probably why I’m usually the one people break up with. I’m not built any other way. I don’t give up once I commit. I’m in it. Which is why our history is so bizarre. It doesn’t fit my pattern. Which is probably why I broke up with him last time. I was never fully in it.
- As much as I like him, I know I’m looking for exits. I’m looking for cracks. And I’m finding them. Too many of them. And I don’t really want to fix them–mostly because it’s such a struggle to even get him to acknowledge them. Yesterday was a good example. During the week, if I want to talk to him, I have to either get up at buttcrack or make time while at work. It’s easier because I work from home. But it’s not an easy thing for me, and he doesn’t acknowledge that. Never a thank you. When we do talk, he’s always talking to someone else in the room or online. I’m making this time for you, how about you carve out time in your vacation for me? The weekends have always been days for us to reconnect–usually much needed days. And yesterday, he didn’t even warn me he’d be busy. Okay, fine. But then to sort of demand my time whenever he felt like it was really annoying, so I said no. He didn’t seem to notice, or care, that I was actually pissed. Which rarely happens, btw. I’ve really tried to not be annoyed by the things he does (or doesn’t do), but I’m realizing more and more that I’ll probably always feel like this. And this is not how anyone should feel with a significant other.
- Sometimes, I wonder if it’s just me. Maybe I want too much. Maybe I don’t know how to be in normal relationships. Relationships often baffle me. But as much as I want to be healthy, I don’t want to be bored. I don’t want to wonder about if this person is good for me or if there’s someone better for me out there. He deserves better than that, and so do I. Maybe I just need more time to work on myself. Maybe I have no business even trying to be with someone.
Yes, I did have a conversation with my cats yesterday about just adopting kids and getting a way better vibrator. 🙂 “I don’t need a man, Foggy. I have you. You’re the best boyfriend ever.”
No one enjoys breaking up with people. Certainly not me. If you do, you’re probably an asshole. The last time I did this, with him, it took me half a year and four attempts. But we’re not in a relationship. And I’m stronger now. And my happiness is a lot more important to me. So, it’ll be fine. It just seems so uneventful. I guess that’s how this false start has been from the get-go. I should have kept to my commitment to never date exes. But it is what it is. We’ll always be friends, and that’s probably all we should be.