same story, different dance

Do people really change?  Or will the past always haunt us and the people we care about?

I’m not entirely sure how to answer that question.  Had it been posed a year ago, I would have said things usually only change superficially.  Unless there’s some horrible transformative event.  A week ago, I would have said–in a hopeful voice–maybe people can change.  Maybe the past is just a learning experience–not a death sentence. Today, I’m more apt to lean in the direction of jaded me.  And that makes me sad.  Because I really hoped it would work out, but now?  I don’t think it’s going to.

This week has sucked.  Flat out.  I’ve been really angry and kind of hurt.  Mostly angry, though, and big time isolating.  But I think I needed to.  I was–and always have been–putting up with a lot of toxicity from people.  I needed a good housecleaning.  Sometimes, the only way to do that is to launch right the hell out of that place.  So, I did.  It was necessary.

I probably could have communicated it better.  But when people are being awful, sometimes, explanations are less of a priority.  Getting away from the nonsense was mine.  I will have the conversations that need to happen, but I’m way too angry right now.  I’m learning, ever so slowly, that I need to take a lot more measures to minimize contact with certain people.  Maybe the friendships don’t need to end, but they need to change.  I need to do some work setting clearer boundaries.  I’m not good with boundaries.  Which is why I’m having problems with people.

So, I’m taking an extended period to think about what I want.  To work on the how to get there part.  And to be by myself.  I’ve been giving myself away far too easily and not filling my own cup.

The truth is–I flat out don’t believe people care about me or value me.  You may say–“Oh, that’s not true.”  Trust me.  It is.  I don’t have the friendships I want in my life.  This is a bigger deal because I also no longer have family.  So, friends are it.  I have no support system, and it’s wearing on me.  Big time.  Part of me wants to just start over and abandon the friendships I have made throughout the years.  But then part of me would miss them.  And they aren’t all bad.  Just not what I need.  I have a lot of good people in my life.  But they are flimsy relationships.  Part of that is totally my fault.  I get that.  But it doesn’t really negate the fact that things must change.  I don’t want to be this satellite anymore.  I never chose it.  I never wanted it.  It just happened because of other people’s choices and how my life evolved.  I am all kinds of things because of it.  But I’m sick of that.  So–I’m working on changing that.  And part of that does mean starting over.  It means looking at every relationship I have and seeing if I need to redefine it, let it go, or strengthen it.  I have a feeling this is going to take a while.

I haven’t been doing well this week.  Work has been particularly difficult to swallow lately because of things I can’t control or do anything about.  It’s probably temporary–but it’s still pretty frustrating and awful.  It’s made me much more angry and frustrated.  I’m also pretty apathetic.  Let’s just say I don’t do well when I’m stuck.  And–like or not–I’m stuck in limbo right now.  It’s made me hyper aware of all the cracks in the wall.  I’ve had mucho time to think and dwell on my feelings about damn near everything–especially relationships.

With the love interest, things changed majorly a few days ago when he went off from his country to a country 8 hours ahead of me.  Which means much less conversation–no privacy since he’s with his parents–and general bullshit.  We didn’t even talk on my birthday–which yep–hurt me.  I tried not to let it bother me, but given all the other asshole-itude happening with friends–I knew it wasn’t okay.  Bigger problem?  He seemed oblivious to the idea that not speaking on my birthday might upset me.  This entire week, any conversations we’ve had have been empty and frustrating–usually interrupted a million times and usually very superficial.  It reminded me so much of the last few months of our last relationship.  Ugh.

I tried to figure out if what I was feeling was just me feeling apathetic and sensitive.  Was it just the time difference causing us to shift?  Or was it something else?

I’ve been creating space for myself to figure things out, so I basically decided I wanted to take a break from attempting to talk and be alone this weekend.  I need some mental health days, honestly.  I’m actually aware that I’m slipping into depression, and without self-care, it’s going to continue.  I need to recalibrate.  Besides, these quick conversations where I can’t actually share anything because I’m interrupted and not heard–really wear at my ability to continue to engage in any real way.  It would be better to try to talk less–or not at all–until we can actually have meaningful talks–rather than to continue this dance.  What’s crappy?  My intuition told me this would happen, and I allowed him to convince me otherwise.

So, basically, last night, I texted him that maybe we should just wait to talk until he’s back home.  He wanted to know why, so I told him.  I’m feeling disconnected and frustrated.  He then said something about how he had no idea what I was talking about–that things were great.  We were fine.  Which was frustrating to hear.  Am I the only one who feels this way?  Am I crazy?  How can he feel so differently and be in the same conversation?  That struck a nerve because it was the same exact scenario that brought us down before.  Like the exact same.  Me unhappy and him totally oblivious to my unhappiness.  I said as much, and he reacted back defensively–clearly frustrated by my frustration–taking it as an attack–when it wasn’t.  I merely said–“well, this seems to be our pattern.”  When the self-defense came, I responded with, “I’m not saying you did anything wrong.  I’m saying I feel disconnected, and it’s a problem we need to look at.”

And he hasn’t said anything since.  And he didn’t say good morning, as he’s done for weeks now.  It’s part of his pattern–to ignore and avoid.  And this is a huge red flag.  I don’t know if I can work through this with him.  Because I need someone who will meet me halfway–not run away the minute there’s a conflict or a disconnect.  The disconnect is not a huge chasm–or at least it wasn’t.  But not showing up will make it grow larger.  It did before, and it’s happening now.  I can feel myself giving up on him.  And the longer it takes him to show up, the bigger it is.  The problem, too–if I have to say this to him–I might as well wave the flag and be done.

It makes me sad because I really was hopeful.  I’m not giving up yet.  But I’m not too optimistic, given our history.  He’s changed in a lot of ways, but my hunch is–I need something else.  And that was always the problem.  I feel a little stupid and silly for even trying again.

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