well, it’s about time.
Yes–I know. It’s been a while. Four? No–almost FIVE–months. That’s a lot. Especially for me. I usually say something.
I’ve had so much to say. This year has been full of stuff to say and do and be. And I even started a new blog all those months ago–that I then didn’t work on.
I have no real excuse. I’ve just been doing stuff and not wanting to talk so much. And then, there’s that tired thing.
I am eventually going to post on that other blog. And probably not post here so much. But not yet. I have a lot going on. I should probably say something about that.
Back in January, on that other blog, I talked about the new year and about this year being about light. Well, you know that thing about being careful what you wish for? Yea. That.
Things that were pretty okay, but not ideal and often frustrating, got really bad for a while. It was like the Universe was yelling at me to just let it go already. In fact, that’s how most of this year has been. It’s been holding me accountable for my feelings and the choices I made (but never followed through with). When I thought I had to do something, something would swoop in to remind me that-NOPE–this is my call.
It illuminated all the cracks in the wall and all the feelings I had about those cracks. And a few old friends showed up to remind me I wasn’t actually done with them. Because I never completely let go of them.
Not one spot of my life was left unaffected. I had to make some really tough decisions. I had to start living in reality and not in the place of hoping that is all too comfortable for me.
It’s all been good. In fact, crazy good.
- I let go of things I didn’t love, that made me miserable. Probably for good. (We’re talking about me. I might feel differently in a few months).
- I gave myself realistic timelines for my future goals. And stopped trying to control all the variables.
- I found a new job and let go of the one that drove me crazy, even though leaving was harder than I expected it to be.
- I made good choices for who I actually am–not who I try to be or want to be.
- I rode changes and didn’t lose my mind.
- I made some strides with my health and my battle to be kind to myself. Still working on that, but I’m at least much more aware of my problems.
- I got support when I needed it and got a little better at supporting others/became more aware of where I fail.
- For the first time in my life, I honored my beginnings and endings. I’m clean.
- And I finally have a concrete plan for getting out of Denver.
Yes, that’s right. I am leaving Colorado in a couple months. The details are still fluid, but plans are coming together, and the Bay Area should be my home before my birthday–pending finding an apartment (ah) and surviving background checks.
Today was the first day in a while where I could kind of just survey it all. I updated my therapist yesterday, and she was struck by how much of what I wanted had happened in just four short months–after a setback in December made it feel like I’d be stuck here forever.
I didn’t give up. I didn’t push my curvy self into those square pegs like I did for all those years. I started looking for some circles. And not on Google.
I just feel really peaceful today–kind of proud of myself, too. And kinda happy. I have so much to do between now and July, but I feel like it’s coming together and the obstacles aren’t there like they normally are. Who I am is being welcomed with open arms. I finally have support. Mostly because I sought it out.
The goodbyes are starting. I have to find new supports soon. My therapist and rolfer can’t move with me, but they’re helping me find people in my soon-to-be home. Old friends are helping make the transitions easier, too.
I don’t feel alone. That’s kinda nuts.
It’s less scary that way, too.
Leaving will be hard. So hard. But I need to. I’ll come back and stay again, one day. But I need more now.
It’s time to actually enjoy all this light. And keep working on the dark nooks and crannies.