the great iceberg push

Recently, I started noticing things changing.

Every year, around this time, I feel this wave of stuff–decidedly bad stuff–wash over my life.  It usually brings on a distinct mood.  A feeling of sadness and being stuck in some awful reality I never chose.  It always seems to come with my father’s birthday.  Weeks ahead of the actual day–which happens to fall smack dab in the middle of my favorite season and month–is this gloom I can’t seem to shake.  And, to be honest, I love fall because it feels like me on the inside.  Winding down, beginning some sojourn to hibernation and isolation.

I call it grief season.  Because there is no other way to talk about it.  When you lose every single person during certain months, they get stained with it.  Dates on calendars seem innocent enough, but each one has a landmine behind it.  I don’t know which one will go off–which one will send me careening toward the sky.  So, I have this tendency to brace myself.  I’ve been doing it for years.

Except this year.

This year, my father’s birthday snuck up on me.  I felt bad for forgetting, but it didn’t clobber me like it used to.  The upcoming anniversary of Mama falling ill has not bothered me.

I’ve been feeling good, mostly.  The surgery last month worked, and I’m feeling recovered.  I feel even–like the way I’m supposed to be.  My weight is down 15 pounds this month.  My thyroid condition seems to be improving.  I’m using Western medicine for some things and Chinese medicine for others.  Chinese medicine helps make the Western medicine tolerable.  I see my acupuncturist once a week for tuneups.  I’ve been seeing a great therapist every week for the last year.  We’re doing a lot of work, and we’re seeing results.  I’m working through stuff I never knew existed.

I feel good.

I have so much more energy.  I feel grounded.  I feel strong.  I feel open and vulnerable–near tears all the time–but not wimpy.  Just present.  Like my heart has been broken open.

This past week, we did some inner child work as we have been doing for a while now.  Only this time, my father was invited.  And I got to talk to him.  And I dunno why, but my father was the father I needed all those years.  Proud of me and there for me…taking my anger in and accepting what I had to say.  It was nice to remember who he was and laugh about it.  It was nice to feel his presence.  A lot of people–I guess–get very ungrounded by such things.  But after, I felt such a degree of peace.  Like all the stuff I couldn’t express finally got released.  I felt really happy.

On Saturday, I got a new haircut.  It’s fun and sophisticated.  It’s funky and a color I never would have tried in the past.  I had such a good time chatting with the girls in the salon, and I just felt really at home with myself.  I left there feeling peaceful and happy–in love with myself, really.  Like the outer me was finally starting to match the inner me.

Today, I started rolfing.  I’d never done it before and was kinda terrified.  But I sought it out because I heard it was like a super massage and was good at helping emotional problems.  I always feel like I have a huge amount of pain somewhere, so I figured it would be good either way.  I immediately liked my therapist and was taken by her description of what she does–that she’s basically moving icebergs.  That our bodies react to trauma by building these slabs of stuff, and when you shift them and put things back–it releases energy and pain.

I was really intrigued by it.  She’s an energy worker, too, so I was curious what would happen.  It didn’t hurt.  It sort of felt like a massage, but much less handsy.  It was more of a partnership, and breath was really important.  If I forgot to breathe, it was more uncomfortable.  But when it was all done, I felt totally painfree.  It felt like I had done an hour of hot yoga.  And then, the energy came and a bit of euphoria.  I was just utterly happy.  I felt lighter and more open.  I could breathe so much better.  My asthma breathing subsided, and I felt like I used to.  I found myself standing better and sitting taller.  It was pretty amazing.  I truly feel like my body let go of a bunch of angst today, and man, I needed that.

It’s kind of odd not to feel like shit.  To have no aches or pains or crap making me feel bad in some way.  I guess this is what it feels like to be normal.  I’ve never been normal, so I don’t know.

All I do know is that I could get used to this.  And I feel like I’m on to something big.

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