before better

As an introvert, I go through phases.  I call them modes.  I have work mode, which requires me to be extremely energetic and social.  There’s grad student mode where I procrastinate and hibernate before exploding into deadline-induced activity.  There’s I’m not dead yet mode, where I muster the energy to get out of my PJs on the weekends.  And then, there’s me mode…where you’re lucky if you ever see me.

I like people–I do.  Love them, even.  They make me smile.  They give me stories to tell.  But, I mostly like to stay at a distance.  I like to be able to choose when I see them and how long it is and how I am.  I don’t like to explain myself–though I always end up doing just that.  Because, in my quest to preserve myself–to keep myself sane and happy–I’m often abrupt, confusing, and possibly even rude.

I didn’t intend to disappear.  I never do.  I just wanted some time.  A break.  No explanations or apologies or filling in gaps.  I had nothing left to say or give.  I needed me.  No one else.  And I knew that giving myself away to everyone would stop that from happening.

So, I stopped.  And–for a long time–I had something to say here and there.  I’d open this editor and start typing–only to lose it a paragraph in.  I started saving things for myself and the people who paid the price of admission to be in this life.

No regrets at all.  But it did mean I stopped writing.  And, well, I write.  It’s what I do.  It’s what I’ve always done.  But, for the first time in my life, I didn’t rely on writing to fix me.  I did other things.  Other important things.  And, now, I’m back here.  Because I made a choice to write…not because I was broken and needed it.

I don’t know what I’m going to write here.  I’m not even sure why I’m bothering to explain.  But I want to.

Life is different now.  I don’t know how much of that I’ll share here.  Just that some things feel the same while others are completely transformed.  A few months can be another universe.  I’m still working on a lot of it, and a lot of it I just don’t have the energy to analyze.

But I do feel like I’ve turned a corner.  I’ll write about exactly what moves me–no more or less.  And if I don’t have the words, maybe I’ll show you what the world looks like–here–today.  But I’m choosing to speak.  Not to heal.  Not to distract.  But simply just to say something that matters–if only to me.

So, yes.  I’m back.  Not sure how long or how much.  But back–now.



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