a Saturday list and some thoughts on perfectionism

I’m not feeling well.  I started getting the sniffles on Wednesday.  On Friday, I felt like roadkill.  I was sure it wasn’t just a cold, Friday night.  Today, I’m feeling better.  Still sick–but mostly just bad cold symptoms.  The stomach bug symptoms seem to be totally gone, so I’m blaming Gus for that one.

Last night, I had a good convo that helped me realize I’m a crafty little punk.  I’ve talked a bit about how I am a perfectionist/control freak in recovery.  As a kid, I was a sight to behold.  I worked hard in my awkward adulthood to embrace vulnerability and be myself.  But, I’ve realized, I’m being a perfectionist when I fail.  Here I thought I was being so very human, but really–it’s just me trying to be the very best vulnerable human I can be.  It’s that never doing anything halfway thing.  If I eat badly one day, welp…I’m going to be the queen of eating badly.  If I’m sad and an oversharing mess, I’ll throw myself into it.

My instinct here is to get really down on myself and want to give up.  But, I have to remember where I’ve come from and how much I’ve actually gotten better.  At least I’m being vulnerable–even if it is in that all or nothing way that’s mine.

I’m gonna work on that for the next several months.  Especially when it comes to work stuff and taking care of me.

But not today.  Today, in typical Alma fashion, I’m taking good care–100%, full-throttle lazy.  This means no thinking.  And juice.  And pot pie.  Because–yes.

And this list.  Happy weekend, y’all.

###

making : resolutions to do better next week, and to also cut myself some damn slack
cooking : nothing at all.  it’ll mostly be about reheating things today.
drinking : roomie is bringing me a Jamba Juice Orange Appeal with immunity…my go-to for super sick days.
reading : labels, various crap on social nets, the occasional blog, and Cheryl Strayed’s Torch.  Haven’t been reading much for fun these days.
wanting : to eat soon. i’m starving.
looking : for my motivation, for a lot of things
wishing : i’d planned for Halloween better. i have everything to make last year’s costume idea, but i’m just not feeling it this year.
playing : with Rilly.
wasting : time and energy on the shoulds.
enjoying : the haul i got from a favorite girly store the other day.
waiting : for the next chapter to finally show up.
liking : that it’s saturday.
wondering : when the GOP extremists will actually do their damn jobs.
loving : my sweet kitties. and delicious peach pie (chicken pot pie, too)
hoping : next week is kick-ass. that we surpass our goal and impress this client.  (good start, so far).
listening: my computer humming, traffic, and people talking too loudly on adjacent balconies.
marveling : at the stupidity of humans.
needing : a new nose
sowing : a plan to change everything.
smelling : fresh laundry and clementines
wearing : my ridiculous orange dress, for silly reasons. my blue up band. a ponytail. and many headbands.
following : Zeldman. still relevant and awesome. while i haven’t always been on twitter, i’ve always followed him.
noticing : the quiet, except for the yappers. and my cold toes/nose/fingers.
knowing : that everything changes eventually.
thinking : about everything that i can’t do right now, but really want to do right now.
bookmarking : i pinterest.  probably recipes, today.  there will likely be a spree once i get rid of this headache.
opening : my heart, bit by bit.
giggling : hurts, right now.
watching : various documentaries
feeling : like a need a new cuddle partner

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