committing to the high notes

In my last few blog posts, I’ve talked about my upcoming birthday and the associated stuff that goes with it.  Every year, around my birthday, I do a sort of life inventory.  I’ve decided not to do that this year.  I don’t feel like I need to.  But I am setting a life intention for this coming year: to commit…say yes…focus on the positive.

I’ve realized a few things over the past few days.  I’ve mostly been living without big goals since my last major life shift.  I was still doing things, but in unfocused ways.  I kept letting distractions in.  I no longer had a giant impossible something to work toward.  I’ve determined that, without a giant something to work toward, it’s harder for me to remember why I’m doing things.  I’m more likely to give up.  I’m more likely to get frustrated and focus on the shit–and to draw shit to me.  

Simply put: I need to be more strategic.  I need to be ambitious and to really commit to my dreams.  

MY dreams.  Not anyone else’s.

I’ve realized recently that everything I’ve ever done has been because of other people’s expectations, on their timelines.  I’ve done a lot of stuff in my life, but it was always in service to someone else’s expectations for me.  I would organize my life around other people and their needs.  My stuff didn’t even make the list.

So, for the next week or so, I’m going to be doing some hard-core contemplating about my life.  I’m going to create a vision board for myself–for what I want my life to be when I’m 80.  I’m going to set some goals–goals that fall beyond work and school…goals that involve straight up happiness.  I want everything.  So, why am I only working toward a few small somethings?

I’m going to break down these big goals into actionable steps that make sense–using my basic needs as a guide.  Levels or tiers of accomplishments to keep me going…basically…steps to survive, steps to thrive…and steps to blow the whole world up.

It’s my way of teaching myself to be good to myself–to do the things I know I need to do.  It’s my way of staying challenged.  It’s my way of surprising myself.

I’m done being bored.  I’m done settling.  I’m done wasting time.

And I’m going to write it down…hold myself accountable…and tell my Mama about it.

(I will cry).

I feel really good about this plan.

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