behold the random

Feeling a little odd this morning…

So, after last week’s bizarre events, I’m starting to feel back to normal health-wise.  Which is good considering my prescription for Prednisone runs out today.  It’s amazing how much better that stuff makes you feel.  But, let’s just say, life without Gus makes taking certain medications (drinking alcohol and eating food…because it’s all medicine, really) a little bit challenging/scary/horrifying.  It’s really easy to run myself into a brick wall.  I had a few setbacks this week that now seem to be righting themselves.  (The body is a resilient machine when it gets what it needs).  But it’s not been the best week, health-wise, for me.  I’ve been continuing to battle this awful cold–which aggravates the asthma.  I can barely hear at this point and probably have a pretty bad sinus infection.  And when there’s so much soot and ash in the air, welp–it’s not a fun time for asthmatics.  The Prednisone helps a lot with the whole breathing thing.  It clears it all out–to an alarming degree.  But it also is incredibly bitter and burns going down–causing random 4 am, horrible acid reflux–even if there’s nothing in my tummy.  And then there’s that whole Alma being really excitable on Prednisone thing.  I will run my mouth like a 12 year old on a triple espresso after taking my dose.  Oh, and did I mention it keeps me awake all night–every night–no matter how actually tired I am?  Luckily, I haven’t had any early mornings…but man, I’ll be happy to go to sleep tomorrow.  It also causes some lovely weight gain–which I haven’t seen.  I’ve mostly just been starving.  Mostly for protein and salty things.

Despite that, I got some good exercise in this week.  Actually having a rescue inhaler again means I’m not terrified to go for a little walk.  This was probably the most I’ve gotten since my surgery.  The choices I’ve made in terms of life, in general, seem to be supporting that effort.  Which is another way I know I did the right thing.  As I’m getting stronger, I’m feeling a lot more positive about everything.  I don’t feel like I’m struggling so much in terms of diet and exercise anymore.  My body is cooperating, for once.  Metabolism’s back on track, for the most part, too.  A lot of the challenges I had for years and years have completely disappeared since Gus left the building.  Things I never thought I’d get past.  I don’t gain weight just by looking at food anymore.  I have a lot more energy, though I do have to take care to sleep more and stay hydrated.  My body actually tells me when to stop unhealthy behavior.  And I tend to just listen to it–even if it doesn’t make the most sense.  It always ends up in my favor.  I feel a lot more calm about it.

I thought I had a gluten intolerance for a long time, for instance, and since losing Gus, I actually have to eat grains to feel okay.  My body literally freaks out if I don’t.  To get right with myself, I did an experiment to help my body calibrate to its new reality–basically eating lots of whole grains–bulking up on fiber; eating more fat and protein than I normally do; taking calcium, vitamin D, and magnesium supplements with each meal; and hydrating like it’s my job.  Those changes made my body kick into normal, so food didn’t have the crazy impact it had right after surgery.  But, now, my body is so not okay with that diet.  It wants the supplements and water, still, but it’s wanting balanced whole foods all the way.  Anything else, and I feel run down.

I’ll tell ya…life after surgery is a learning experience.

I’ve also noticed, since the surgery, that I’ve been revisiting a lot of old issues that I thought I dealt with just fine years ago.  Mostly related to my control freak/perfectionism thing.  And fear.  Small things, for the most part.  One of those things has been not wanting to be out of control in any way.  So, things like heights–which have always scared me–are particularly hard.  I’ve done a lot in the past to overcome that, so seeing it resurface hasn’t been the most enjoyable thing for me.

Our building had a fire a while back, which restricted our roof access for a long time.  The roof was right on top of the apartments that burned.  I used to like to take the elevator to the Penthouse and then climb the remaining two flights of stairs to the rec room and deck area.  I’d take my camera and shoot pictures of the Capitol building and the sunrises/sunsets.  The whole deck area doesn’t feel so secure to me–never has–and has always inspired a mild panic attack in me.  It’s just really high for this girl who hates even getting on a ladder.  With the crazy sunsets we’ve had from the fires, I kinda wanted to take some shots this morning.  I knew that meant I’d probably not sleep since we were planning a farmer’s market trip pretty early, and I’m advising a friend on his start-up this afternoon.

(I didn’t mind staying up all night, though.  I’m trying to decide if I want to watch the rest of Game of Thrones.  I’m kinda in hate with it, but can’t stop watching).

Anyway, the alarm went off at 5 am.  I was just laying there.  I got up, got dressed, grabbed my camera, and went.  And forgot my camera card, so went back down and then went back up.  As soon as I got to the stairs, I started shaking.

There’s just something eerie about the stairwell up there.  You can hear the elevators moving.  And it looks so easy to fall down.  I’m always so careful not to trip (because I trip all the time on everything), and I really could see myself breaking my neck.  I got into the rec room and immediately went outside.  It was such a warm morning, and the wind wasn’t even bad.  But holy crap does that deck scare me.  I went and sat down immediately, took video, and tried to breathe.  I could feel that familiar asthmatic panic setting in.  It was my first time up there since the fire, and I could just imagine falling through the roof into someone’s apartment.  Ha.  (The fire was a bit terrifying).  I got a few good shots, but the sunrise was completely eclipsed by wildfire smoke.  Disappointing, but at least I went up to the roof.  I thought about going up later, but I’ll probably be a zombie by sunset.  I might post the photos/video later this week…if they’re any good.  And, yes–I know–I owe photos and etc.  Soon.

Everything has been breaking this week.  Mostly technology.  I finally fixed my retarded hard drive yesterday night.  Both of my roomie’s computers (work and home) decided to be stupid, and my laptop went batshit, too.  Luckily, all of the above seem to be improving.

I’ve been eating my Noosa.  Noosa is yummy.  And enough beef jerky to kill someone.  And pink lemonade slushies.  It’s insane.

I broke a table by moving it.  And then fixed that–after cursing and ordering a new table.

Thought about going to Pride Fest tomorrow.  Between the roof, the farmer’s market, and that–this might be a photography weekend.  I wouldn’t complain.

Geeked out over books and things at the library Web site.  Reserved more than a human could possible carry in one go.  And I am still trying to finish DFW’s amazing epic doorstop.  (I kid, kinda).  I might be done by Christmas.

And other things.

And realized tomorrow’s Daddy’s day.  I feel indifferent about it this year.  (Well, today, anyway).  Still–this song?  It came on MediaMonkey this morning, made me feel quiet, and felt appropriate.

So there’s that.

I could be in a fetal position tomorrow.  You never know.  But I don’t think so.  I’ll call that a win.

and your story begins.

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