free

Yesterday, I did something most people would call a little crazy.  I basically jumped off a cliff and trusted that someone would catch me in the free-fall…sorta the whole idea behind my entire life’s philosophy.

Simply put, something in my life was causing me daily misery.  I’d tried, repeatedly, to make it work.  But it just wasn’t working, and I couldn’t see a way to make it work by continuing to engage it.  I’m not a quitter–quite the opposite, but I’m also not one to beat a dead horse.  And this horse was covered in maggots.

I made my decision when I wasn’t feeling any dominant emotion–when I was calm and sure.  I listened to that inner voice that told me enough was enough.  To the Mama dreams where she urged me to “leave.”

I left because I knew I deserved better–that they deserved better than what I was giving them–and that something else deserved me.  Now, it wasn’t as big a risk as it maybe sounds.  I’ve been building a parachute for a while, but nothing’s guaranteed or set in stone.  So, this really will be an exercise in faith.  And I think that’s exactly what I need right now.

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I feel like I’m moving forward in a big way.  The grief I felt after my surgery has subsided.  It’s been replaced  by peace and motivation.  I’m now able to recognize unhealthy patterns quickly and am able to act to remove them from my life.  I’m choosing health, and I’m willing to take risks to get there.  And I’m seeing a lot of positive results–even though I know I have a ways to go.  I’m closer than I’ve ever been.

I don’t think I realized, before my surgery, the kind of unhealthy compromises I made every day just to maintain status quo.  Both little and big.  This thing I just severed was a prime example of something I really wanted to believe in–wanted to commit to–but knew…deep down…wasn’t really something that would support me.  Mostly because I rarely have known what I need.  I think I do now.

Part of me, I guess, always fought to be easy.  To not be a burden.  To minimize my impact.

That isn’t living, though.  Each one of us has a footprint.  And it’s not unreasonable to ask for support.  I’m still learning how.

The truth is–I’m not easy.  I have needs that I have to meet, and I’m learning (again and again) that I can’t throw myself under the bus all the time.  I’m not always sure what those needs are.  It’s hard for me to identify them, and sometimes, it takes falling flat on my face to see what’s necessary.  I suppose we’ll call that April and May.  My surgery just highlighted that I couldn’t ignore them anymore, and that I’m absolutely unwilling to sacrifice my happiness ever again.

So, there are goals now.  Because there are always goals with me.

It’s not okay to just earn a paycheck.  I need to be giving back somehow.  I need to be surrounded by good people who want to do the right thing.  I need to observe my values.  I need to be in my community, with people.  And it seems like the more I tell the Universe what I need, the more these things come to me.

The next few months, I plan on doing just that.  Switching to a job that forces me to work from an office at least sometimes.  Volunteer work for causes I care about.  Indulging my creative side and engaging nature more regularly.  Seeing art exhibits, going to concerts, and dancing whenever I have a chance.  Working out downstairs and making sure this place is not just a place to sleep.

Some of these goals are new.  Most are not.  But all are based on chronically unmet needs, and I finally have the energy to see them through.

(Well, I will…as soon as this nasty cold goes away).

I’m feeling good about life again, and for once, I actually trust the Universe.  And myself.  That’s the most important part.

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