out like a lamb

April was not exactly my month.  This year, it was pretty painful.  I’m still licking my wounds.  So, I thought it would be nice to go out like a lamb and not be so introspective for this last post of the month.  A few questions to round things out.

I’m looking forward to May and summer.  Bring on the basil lemonade and the pupusas.

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1. Most comforting place, smell, sound, and memory?

Place: I love sitting or standing near water.  One of my favorite things to do is sit and watch the birds at a couple of our local parks.  Which is one of the reasons I love Silver Thread so much–when it’s not in the midst of drought hell.

Smell: Funny, but I was saying earlier that the smell of Bactine is oddly comforting to me.  Reminds me of being taken care of.  I also love the smell of erasers.  I feel in my element somehow.  And rain is really comforting to me.  Helps me calm down.

Sound: Classical music is pretty comforting to me.  When I used to pull all-nighters, I always listened to Vivaldi or Verdi…sometimes others.  Bon Iver seems to have a similar effect.

Memory: I think my most comforting memory is of being a child, laying my head on my Mama’s lap–listening to her tell me stories about her childhood or about my daddy–in the dark.  Or laying down in the grass, next to the water, at the park–looking up at the stars–having a heart to heart with someone special.

2. Your ambitions as a child and your ambitions now

As a kid, I initially wanted to be a ballerina.  But I’m a total klutz and lack that kind of discipline.  Then, I wanted to be a computer progammer–because I thought that meant playing Oregon Trail and Carmen San Diego all day long.  Who knew it required logic and math?  Then, I wanted to be a zoologist/freelance National Geographic writer.  Then a primatologist/nature writer.  Then a teacher.  And now?  Psychologist (really, art therapist)/nonprofit director (until I’m 80ish)–then writer/speaker/activist.  I plan to do many things before I leave this planet.

3. Biggest fear

I don’t have many anymore.  Or, rather, I have them–but they dissipate.  They’re easy to overcome.

I guess I’m still afraid of heights–though it never stops me.  I’m afraid of being sick–mostly because of the burden it creates for other people.  I don’t want to hurt people.

4. Qualities you would like in a partner (if you would like one)

I haven’t thought about this in a while.  I suppose my head’s not there anymore.  I’m kinda at the point of being open to whatever, but really not giving a crap either way.

That said, I suppose–if I had a wishlist: funny, kind, intelligent, friend to animals, tolerant, respectful, ethical, comfortable in his skin, brave, different from me, honest, forgiving, and someone who lives in constant change.  Someone who is strong enough to do the right thing even when it sucks.  that means standing up to me.  That means baring your heart when you’re not sure it’s safe.

5. Traits you couldn’t put up with in a partner (if you would like one)

I’d like to avoid the closet bigots/women haters, conservatives, mentally ill, and thieves.  Not a fan of people who are insecure with themselves.  I’ve dated many men who just flat-out hated themselves.  It’s hard to love someone like that over the long-haul.  It gets too exhausting.  I struggle enough with loving myself.  I’m not a fan of people who believe in tit for tat.  If I’m weak and act like a punk, tell me and tell me it’s not okay.  Don’t match it by being as big of a jerk.  For the most part, if I’m acting like a shitty person, I don’t realize it.  Or, if I do, I’ll freely admit I’m doing it, will apologize, and adjust my behavior.  Sometimes, I just push buttons on purpose.  Also: would like to avoid those who accuse me of playing games.  I don’t do that, but have found those people pretty guilty of it.  If I see someone doing it, I might push buttons just to teach them a lesson.

The biggest thing, though? I’d like to avoid avoiders.  If you find it too easy to hide and are completely unwilling to stick your neck out, please just don’t waste both our time.

6. What is the worst thing you have done to another person?

Believed in/loved who I thought they could be instead of just loving who they were.

7. What are your worst traits and features?

I can be really judgmental.  I sometimes shut down too easily.  I can be mean without realizing it.  I can be controlling/perfectionistic.

8. What are your best traits and features?

I’m a happy person, for the most part.  I’m really loyal.  People have hurt me a lot, and I’d still be there for them if they needed me–no questions asked.  I always try.  I may not always gauge things correctly or may be completely awful at achieving what I intend, but I do try my best to do the right thing.  I’m compassionate.  I’m funny, sometimes.  I’m smarter than a lot of people.  I’m always changing and never sit on my laurels.  I really try to be kind and appreciate people.

9. How would you explain your idea of ‘true love’?

I don’t like using “true” as a qualifier.  There’s just love.  And I couldn’t explain it if I tried.

10. The biggest mistake you’ve made.

Not trusting that who I could be/was at the time would be enough for the right people.

11. Are you rational or more emotional?

I wouldn’t say I’m rational.  I operate on Alma logic, which is logical in its own way–that often makes no sense to others (especially men).  I can be super-emotional, but usually that’s saved for a select group of people.  It’s a little too easy for me to build walls, so I can come across as cold or stoic a lot of the time.

12. Do you think you’re very conscious of the feelings of others or more self oriented?

Others, for sure.  I’m self-oriented, too, but usually in the context of others.  It’s almost like I don’t know how to feel until I witness other people’s emotion or lack thereof.

13. Greatest achievement personally.

Graduating from college.  Getting my first Master’s.  Almost getting my second Master’s (so close, but the education associated with it changed a lot of my thought processes).  Getting out of poverty.  Continuing to live life without family.  Evolving into the person I am now.  I’m a lucky girl.

14. If you struggle to sleep at night, what do you do to try and soothe yourself to sleep?

I usually just go online and waste time–either watching things or writing a blog post or catching up with people on FB or Twitter.

15. What irritates you most about society?

How intolerance is mainstream and not just widely accepted, but widely practiced.  We’re all so hellbent on proving how right we are that we fail to listen to each other.  We truly can’t solve anything if we fail to understand who are “enemies” and “allies” actually are.

16. When you compliment someone, what do you tend to focus on? (Looks, intelligence, personality…)

All of the above.  Whatever strikes.

17. Think of your oldest friend. If you met them now do you think you would still become friends?

No.  I was a very different person then, and I think a lot of my old friendships relied on me being the “nice” girl who didn’t offend anyone.  But that’s okay.  I cherish and learn from the friends I have now.

18. Something you love to do, but feel guilty about after/during?

I love shitty food, but I feel awful after.  Not just for the physical aftershocks, but just because I know how bad it truly is.  Luckily, my body’s been really good at teaching me some lessons.

19. Would you like children in the future. If so why?

I would.  I think I’d be a good Mama.

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