with grace

Mondays are rough, right?

Though I hate those people who say they’ve got a case of the Mondays.

Well, maybe hate’s too strong a word.

They irritate me because they displace the choices they made on an innocent day.  Monday, for most people, just means you’re going back to work after an all-too-brief hiatus.  Because, in this country, we believe work should be our dominant preoccupation.  Because survival is more important than joy.

Such a Puritanical belief, that.

I’m guilty of it as much as anyone.  It’s a bit like that saying–it is what it is.  Such a lazy idea.  Something isn’t good, but it is what it is–so I can abdicate any responsibility for its existence, and I have no choice as to whether or not it can be better.  I’ll just accept that it is and let it be.

I guess I’m in the phase of a personal revolution.

A few weeks ago, I realized that my entire life has always been about duty–about school and work and those shoulds that make you groan on a Monday morning.  The choices we benignly make because it is what it is.  When making another choice is just as easy.

I decided a few weeks ago that I was going to play for the rest of this year.  That it would be a priority–as important to me as that paycheck in my bank account.  Since making that choice, I’ve written every day.  I’ve edited more photos than I probably did all of last fall.  I’ve reached out and made new connections.  I’ve drank a few cocktails.  But, mostly, I’m starting to make choices that put me first–that put my happiness first.  I’m acknowledging what is–the things I’ve been unable to change because of my own weakness–but I’ve built a support system that’s helping me do more than just recognize it exists.

I still don’t like Mondays, but I’ve chosen to be here today.  And today, that’s enough to make it more than what it always is.

###

Today, I’m grateful for…

-the giant snowflakes that fell from the sky this morning–and the gray sky that allowed me to see them

-being able to stay in bed after dawn–not having to be cold

-an opportunity to feel human–even if that meant the food poisoning lingers

-a quiet day

-finally being able to trust that the kitten will not tear apart the apartment…that he just wants to explore and will come out in his own due time

-the opportunity to be a good friend

-long conversations that open hearts instead of the rushed communication that happens most days

-Mamas who love their children and daughters who will always love them.  My heart is with you, friend.

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-A child being cured of HIV.

-Hope.  Always hope.

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