pegged

It’s been one of those weeks and a series of one of those days. In one of those years.

I feel like I’ve been on a rollercoaster full of amazing, hopeful moments juxtaposed with heartbreaking events and frustrating BS.  Lots of stalls. Lots of feeling like the world has lost its damn mind.  Lots of being done.  Though I’m not, and I know I’m not.  And I’ve gotten some wins this week, too–real wins that could change everything.

There have been so many deaths in my circle, I’ve lost count.  Every week, since this year began, at least 2 people have passed.  Some I know; some I don’t.  These things have been reminding me to live–to keep going–to fight ever harder for the life I want and need.  But then, it feels like things and people just get in my way.  Or I get in my way.

I guess the thing is–I’m not in control.  I want to be in control.  I’m used to being in control.  And one of my life’s lessons is learning I control nothing except myself and how I react to whatever happens.  Yes, I can influence outcomes, but I really just need to stop fighting against the Universe so much.  I need to take a hint and just surrender.  I keep doing that, and I think I’m really doing that only to find I’m not.

Despite how shitty this week was, I did end up learning some stuff:

  • If something is complicated from the get-go, and becomes even more complicated, you better really want it.  And even if you do, it’s really (probably) not the best thing for you.  Which is why we’re not moving to the amazing apartment we wanted.  The Universe was speaking loud and clear.  Instead of listening, I tried to fall even more in love with it–mostly because I felt like it was inevitable–as if loving it and wanting it EVEN MORE would somehow get rid of my doubts and fears.  As if it would change the actions of other people or fix whatever wasn’t quite right.  When it was over, I felt sad.  Mostly for the thing I wanted in my head–not what probably would have been.  I realize I do this a lot–with many things.  I idealize situations to make them work–so I won’t feel what I feel.  Because that’s a lot harder, and people like me more when I’m cheerleading.  Ignore my feelings and be laid back because I don’t think it matters.  Only to have it matter a lot.  I could save myself a lot of heartache if I just spoke up more.  I’m relieved, but frustrated by the whole thing now.  I know we need a different space.  I know that other space would have felt better–at least for a little while.  But whatever is wrong here has little to do with the space and more to do with us–as people who can’t always interact well.  Sure, the space doesn’t support us in the ways we need.  But we can change ourselves to make it better.  The space is a just man-made thing that can be somewhat changed to fit us–or we can reframe our opinion of it.  And whatever is happening now will only follow us and infect whatever’s new.
  • One of those things, I suppose, is that I feel like I’m getting bullied all the time–in every situation–like what I want doesn’t matter.  Or if it does, it’s not worth the fight to be heard or the hassle to make it better.  Or no one would listen anyway.  People just assume that I’ll roll over.  They just assume that their needs are worth more than mine.  They also tell me to speak, but then don’t listen when I do–so why bother?  So they can feel like they gave me a say?  Or argue with me to the point that I just don’t give a crap anymore?  I’ve had so many conversations where I say hello, and it’s taken as an accusation.  The power struggles leave me drained and apathetic.  I’d rather have peace than a constant battle.  But that’s not right either.  I don’t like how this started happening and seems to have infected everything.  Because of that, I know it’s not them–but me–but I don’t know how to stop it.  But I do know it makes me really angry and unhappy.  Because my very real worries aren’t being voiced, which leads me to feel bad about entire situations and makes me want to run for the hills.
  • Almost very single thing that’s not great about my life right now is something I just agreed to do or put up with–not something I wanted or chose.   I guess I’ve been making the best of things while knowing, full well, my best isn’t possible in this type of situation.  No matter what I do, it will always be something lesser than my best because it’s not what I want/need.  It’s what someone else wanted/needed, and being the nice girl who lets other people control her just doesn’t fly anymore.  I’m learning that extricating myself from certain situations is a lot trickier once you’re in them.  So, I guess, it’s causing me to be really torn about decisions–not wanting to make commitments at all–which is also something I do when I’m stressed.
  • Patience is a virtue I severely lack, and I need to find a way to just sit with things and not try to instantly fix them.  I need to learn that, sometimes, things need to incubate.  Not everything is on my schedule, and that one step forward/two step back thing is not necessarily a bad thing.  It can help you find out where you need to go.  (And this is when I remember the TFA debacle and pretty much every ex I’ve ever had).
  • Gratitude makes such a difference, and I’ve been focusing too much on the shit.  Mostly because I’m so frustrated and disappointed.  I’ve been seeking outlets for things, but I’m bad at following through (often).  It’s so simple. Why don’t I do it more? Especially when I find time to ramble on about crap all the time.  Mastering my own brain and my own emotions is worth the investment.
  • No one’s going to take care of me as well as I do.  I don’t owe anyone anything, and anyone who thinks I do probably isn’t worth my time.  If something isn’t good for me, it’s alright to dig in my heels and say no.  At the same time, no one owes me anything either.  So, I need to be better at appreciating kindnesses and acknowledging things that benefit me.
  • If something isn’t easy and doesn’t give me anything back, I’m not investing in it.  I’m tired of this square peg, round hole business.  It never works in my best interest.  And nothing that was truly mine came from me forcing it to happen.
  • That doesn’t mean hard work isn’t necessary.  But if the work feels hard and doesn’t feel reciprocal to the sacrifice, it’s probably not the right situation or the right time.  Or maybe I’m just not ready.  It’s okay to not be ready.
  • Sometimes, good enough is good enough.  I wrote my app essay for my new counseling program yesterday.  I’ve been trying to write it since the beginning of January–failing every time.  I had good ideas, but I had nothing underneath them.  I promised myself I’d get it done by the weekend–and I needed to–and the Universe even gave me the kick I needed (though it turned out to be a lie–bastards).  I wrote it.  I cried.  And I hated it.  I wrote what I could.  It’s not what I wanted it to be, but Perfectionist Alma realized it’s the best I have right now. And it’s the best I have had in a long time.  My writing brain feels broken.  I can’t seem to write what’s really in my heart.  Or maybe I don’t want to.  I guess I’m sick of talking about the past–sick of “my story.”  And that’s exactly why I’m doing this program.  I’m moving on.  I’m healing as best as I can.  Besides, I’ve applied to the program before–and got in.  I know that the interview is much more important.  I’ll rock that.  I did before.  I will this time.  They just want to know I can write.  And I showed that, at least.  I’m not going to beat myself up over it.
  • It’s time to take care of myself.  I’ve been terrible at it for a long time, and I’ve relied on others to fill in the gaps when it was just too much.  I feel like I’ve improved a lot in this regard, but I’m realizing that it’s a lot more than that.  And that the reason it’s been so hard is that I haven’t been doing it for me.  I’ve been people pleasing.  Yet again.  Doing what was expected.  I call it being inspired.  But it needs to come from me.  And I think maybe I’m learning to listen to myself and what works for me rather than letting everyone else dictate what I’m going to do/be.

I was down this week–for damn good reason–but I know I’m better than that.  I know these are temporary setbacks and are totally of my own doing.  I’m not going to make promises to myself (or anyone else) anymore.  I’m just going to do what feels better than what I’ve been doing.  I’m going to stop depending on others for feedback or direction or support.  Not in some sort of isolating way, but moreso in a way that acknowledges it has nothing to do with them.  I am focusing on what I can control.  Easy as that.  Which is not easy at all.

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